Newton Plague Survivors Debate Whether It’s Safe To Leave Their Bunker
NEWTON CAMPUS — In the basement of Keyes South, seven plague survivors have barricaded themselves in the basement study lounge for the past nine days.
In an interview conducted via hushed FaceTime call, one of the students, Sophie Kelly (CSOM ’22), admitted that she and her companion are getting more desperate by the day.
“I don’t know, man. Supplies are really running out,” said Kelly. “Food, water, it’s all low. We’ve even had to move to creme pods after Kyle over there cheefed the last of the mint ones three days ago. A couple of us tried to dig a latrine in the corner but concrete is pretty hard and all we had were some spoons, so we’ve just been shitting in the recycling bin. I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”
The seven started to band together early last week, reacting quickly when almost everyone in the building began suffering from a wave of what many students believe to be norovirus. After breaking open the vending machines and taking every VitaminWater and pre-packaged food item they could carry, the group headed for the basement lounge, blockading the doors with a pile of chairs and tables.
“The only thing I’ll puke for is alcohol poisoning. Keep that disease shit away from me,” said Sam Reilly (MCAS ’22) after squirting Purell directly into his mouth.
“I’ve been watching a lot of The Walking Dead lately,” reported Reilly. “If anyone mentions their stomach feeling weird, I know how to take care of the problem. Permanently, if you know what I mean,” he said while dousing himself in lemon-scented Clorox.
At press time, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention were fumigating the entire building.