The New England Classic
Students Complain College Curriculum Getting In The Way Of Sleepaway Camp
CHESTNUT HILL — The Office of Student Services has reported a major increase in the volume of complaints in the past 14 days. Calls and emails have been pouring in from distraught students from Walsh to Newton Campus complaining that the school work being assigned to them is interfering with... Read more
“I’m Fine,” Reports Becky’s Instagram
LOYOLA HALL — Stating that everything seemed normal, local Boston College freshmen confirmed that Becky’s Instagram makes it seem like she’s doing okay during her first year of college. This confirmation comes after last month’s feigned concern from third-floor residents of Loyola that something might have affected Becky’s psychological... Read more
BC Bubble Boy Contracts Flesh Eating Bacteria On The Green Line
ST. ELIZABETH’S MEDICAL CENTER — One Boston College sophomore remains in critical condition today after contracting a deadly strain of bacteria on the B Line this past weekend. The student, identified only as “Ben,” was reportedly just “trying to see what’s off campus” and “break the BC bubble” when... Read more
Overeager Freshman Uses Ambulance Transport As Valuable Pre-Med Networking Opportunity
ST. ELIZABETH’S MEDICAL CENTER — Freshman pre-medical student Calvin Morris (MCAS ‘21), both working hard and partying harder, successfully expanded his professional network last weekend from the back of a Fallon Ambulance located outside of Keyes North. Morris, drifting in and out of consciousness, gained valuable insights from the... Read more
Professor Struggling To Find Anything To Agree With In Student’s Response
DEVLIN HALL — On Tuesday, students in the 10:30 AM section of Europe in the World looked on helplessly as Henry van Cumberbund (CSOM ‘20) provided what may have been the absolute worst possible answer to a question about the causes of World War II. After Professor Laura Bourke... Read more
Freshman Beginning To Suspect Orientation Leader Doesn’t Actually Want To Be Friends
STOKES SOUTH — Freshman Anna Blumberg realized that her orientation leader, Aaron Parsons (MCAS ‘19), may not actually want to be friends after Parsons showed up more than twenty minutes late for their coffee date Thursday. “I’m so glad my OL finally found time to meet up with me,” said Blumberg... Read more
Embarrassing: This Freshman Said “Have A Good Day Professor” To His Mom
CLAVER HALL — In a recent phone call home, freshman Dave McDoug (LSOE ‘21) reportedly bid farewell to his mother by saying “Have a good day, professor.” “God, I’m so embarrassed!” McDoug said in an interview. “I accidentally referred to the woman whose womb I once called home as... Read more
Wise RA To Freshman: “I remember when I was your age”
CLAVER HALL — Sophomore Resident Assistant Jessica Bryant (MCAS ’20) imparted some invaluable nuggets of wisdom to freshman Sierra Mortensen (LSOE ’21), one of her residents on Claver 3, Tuesday afternoon. With a full nine months of college under her belt, Bryant found herself reminiscing about the “good ol’... Read more
“Fun Fact” Not Actually That Fun
STOKES NORTH — Classmates of Todd Cummings (MCAS ‘21) were incredibly disappointed Thursday after his introductory “fun fact” in their First Year Writing Seminar turned out to be really not that fun. The professor’s innocent attempt to get to know her students’ names and interests quickly devolved once it was Cummings’ turn... Read more
Distraught Freshman Girl Runs Away Down South In Search Of Sorority Big
FORT WORTH, TX — Boston College freshman Sophia Brambleberry has reportedly left the Heights and moved to the southern United States in search of her very own sorority big sister. She has been camping out on the campus of Texas Christian University since Sunday, sleeping on the lawns of... Read more