Freshmen Protest Surging Uber Prices By Taking Ambulances Home From Clubs
ST. ELIZABETH’S MEDICAL CENTER — Skyrocketing Uber prices in the Greater Boston Area have everyone across campus grumbling. A senior representative from the Classic who put off their Lit Core until this year overheard the freshmen’s quibble: “I’m just not paying $45.00 for an uber home from Hava, my parents are gonna start asking why I’m putting so much on their card.”
According to our representative and their further eavesdropping, freshmen seem to not only take issue with the prices of Ubers but also the attitudes of the drivers. Dou Scpag (CSOM ’26) remarked, “these drivers act like they didn’t sign up for this. If you drive at night you’re gonna pick up drunk kids, don’t be a dick about it, and definitely don’t tell us we needed to order an XL.”
Seeking a more affordable and supportive transportation environment, students have begun to use a new rideshare platform.
“If you call 9-1-1 and tell them that someone is passed out and not breathing, they will literally send a car so fast, and it’s way bigger than an UberXL,” Del Bartón (MCAS ’26) pointed out, “the car even has special lights to let you skip traffic, no extra charge.”
Del Bartón is not the only freshman that has caught onto this rideshare hack. Witnesses report that they have seen an egregious amount of ambulances on upper campus, some with hordes of freshmen getting in and out of the back.
Some students have even become ambassadors for this new rideshare platform. Sell Out (CSOM ’26) reported that he is being compensated to promote the new transportation method. “My dad always told me growing up that nobody rides for free, you’re either paying in ass, grass, or gas. AmblUber has made that adage ancient history, and for that reason, I’m proud to partner with them.”
At press time, BC EMTs were seen installing seat belts in the vehicles that were previously used for transporting tipsy students to the ER to be given Advil and a glass of water.