Run! Philosophy Student Wants To Tell You What He’s Learned
STOKES NORTH — Freshman Franny Bacon (MCAS ’25) was found virtuously engaging in Socratic discourse with literally anyone who passed him yesterday afternoon. After a few weeks in Perspectives I, Bacon reports feeling “enlightened” and possessing a newfound sense of “metaphysical contemplation.”
“It’s hard to believe that I’ve never questioned my free will as much as I have since signing up for Professor Tottle’s class,” Bacon tells The Classic, referring to the chair of the Philosophy department Harris Tottle. “I mean, did I even have the free will to do that, or did a greater cosmic power put me here intentionally? Do I have any say in my life at all? Do any of us? What I mean by that is—”
When asked about Bacon’s behavior, his friends expressed general agitation and distress.
“At first it was fine,” classmate Mackey O’Velli (CSOM ’25) said. “Like, yeah, it was a little annoying hearing about the allegory of the cave day after day. No one loved it. But now he’s been going around ranking all of us as friends of the good, pleasure, or utility. It’s embarrassing. He’s going around and telling everyone that I’m a friend of utility because he only keeps me around to get class notes. I think it’s because I called his mom a MILF at Family Weekend, but whatever.”
Another classmate Carly Marks (MCAS ’25) reported that while she was impressed with Bacon’s relentless challenges (see: ego-boosting assertions) to Professor Tottle, she, too, was over it.
“Question authority. Always. Absolutely. But do we really need to hear about how your parents’ conception of you in Atlantic City in 2002 set you up for a life in which you had no autonomy? Fuck no! There are bigger issues around here, Bourgeois Bacon,” Marks told us.
At press time, Bacon was heading to Tottle’s office hours for the 4th time this week while Marks was seen angrily marching into the Economics Department.