Eager Pre-Med Performs Rigatoni Tracheotomy On Choking Friend
MCELROY COMMONS — In an effort to save his choking friend, pre-med student Sergie Call (MCAS ’25) performed an emergency tracheotomy using only a pen and a cooked rigatoni noodle.
“It literally just went ‘down the wrong pipe,’” wrote Connor Holmes (CSOM ’25). “Next thing I know, Sergie is shoving me to the ground and trying to stick a piece of rigatoni into the hole he made in my throat. He also was yelling something about a ‘code blue,’ whatever that means.”
Holmes was able to speak with The Classic via email, as he is still recovering from having been stabbed in the windpipe. Call, meanwhile, was eager to comment on his heroic deed.
“Yeah, I’ve wanted to be a surgeon since before Grey’s Anatomy made it popular, so I spend most of my free time studying various procedures on YouTube,” said Call. “I know that not many people have the stomach for this kind of stuff, but my technical knowledge led me to the conclusion that a noodle, specifically of the rigatoni variety, would serve as a perfect post-trach breathing apparatus.”
According to students in Call’s General Chemistry class, however, the triple major in Biology, Neuroscience, and Theater was positively stumped by this week’s quiz.
“Right after we turned it in, you know, when everyone started talking about the answers, Sergie said he ‘had known everything in theory, but didn’t have enough time to write it down,’” said Grace Jones (MCAS ’25), another student in the class. “When we got them back, his said ‘See Me’ at the top.”
In response to this comment, Call made it extremely clear that “General Chemistry has very few applications in the medical field,” and that he has “far more clinical skills than anyone else in the class.”
At press time, Call was seen stalking the floor of Mac holding a box of Barilla Classic Blue Box™ Rigatoni Pasta.