Unlike The Circle Bouncer, Mom Won’t Let You Drink EVEN If You Slip Her A $20
DrinkingFreshmenHolidays November 28, 2024 The New England Classic
BUMFUCK CONNECTICUT – Happy Thanksgiving! You’re back home for the first time, no roommate, exams, or Newton bus in sight. You can walk around without your socks on, your mom is doing your laundry, life is good.
As family members arrive and the turkey cooks, you’re more relaxed than you’ve been since August. The only thing that could make this day better–drinking.
Your older brother has had a beer in his hand since 10 am, so you figure you’re probably in the clear to crack one open. You walk right past your mom in the kitchen and open the fridge.
“What are you doing?” your mom, Soopuh Laem (‘92), asks.
“Just grabbing a drink,” you say, cracking the tab as you walk past. To your dismay, she grabs it out of your hands before you can escape the kitchen.
“Nobody said you could have a drink!” she says as she takes the beer away. Horrified, you watch her dump it in the sink, wasting perfectly good Miller Lite.
How could this be? You’re 18 (literally an adult), and you are in college. No way your uptight parents aren’t going to let you get sloppy drunk on the best holiday of the year.
Stay calm. Don’t let her know you’re stressed. Regroup. You walk away, thinking of a game plan. You’ve drank every Thursday since going to college, you are NOT letting that streak die now.
Luckily, you know how to handle this. You’ve been here before. The bouncer at Sunset hugs you when you walk up. The bouncer at Circle almost let you in last week. If you can succeed in getting into a mediocre bar in Boston (on some nights at least), you can handle your mother.
You circle back to the kitchen. It’s time to pull out all the stops and use “the method.” Luckily, there’s a twenty in your pocket. You go up to your mom and give her a big hug. You tell her how happy you are to be home. As you’re pulling away, you grab her hand, and smoothly deposit the twenty. You hit her with a wink and a dazzling smile. “I’m gonna go grab a beer,” you say, gliding past her towards the fridge.
Just as you reach the doors, your mom smacks your hand away. She hands you back the twenty, and also the dish towel. “Go help your grandmother dry the dishes” she says, putting herself between you and the fridge.
You’ve failed. Your mom is even worse than any bouncer in Boston. Maybe you’ll be old enough by Christmas. 
