Boston Strong: This Freshman Almost Threw Up, But Didn’t!
COMM. AVE — In a display of strength and resolve to rival that of Boston’s colonial freedom fighters, freshman Brock Barth (MCAS ’19) reportedly fought and conquered the urge to vomit while watching today’s marathon. Barth had woken up at 6:00 AM to begin “crushing” the 36 pack of Natural Light he and his two roommates had purchased with their fake IDs for Marathon Monday.
After heroically downing twelve of the aforementioned beers, Barth then bravely opened a full handle of raspberry Rubinoff vodka and began taking “mad shots.” The young patriot, drunk off equal measures of booze and love for his fine city, then proceeded with several friends to Commonwealth Avenue to watch the runners move one foot in front of the other continuously.
An hour having passed, and having valiantly cheered on dozens of runners (many of whom would likely have given up, were it not for the Freshman’s enthused, motivational screaming), Barth suddenly found himself feeling ill, and his already tenuous control over his own motor functions began to deteriorate rapidly.
At around 11:15 AM, Barth reportedly began to salivate profusely, a sure sign that his body was preparing to violently expel all the alcohol he had so generously given it. But like Paul Revere, Sam Adams, David Ortiz, Rob Gronkowski, Mark Whalberg, and so many other great Bostonians before him, Barth was not prepared to surrender. Even as he began to heave violently, the freshman remained undaunted.
Finally, his diaphragm gave one last heave, and with it sent a torrent of beer, stomach acid, and half digested mozzarella sticks from the night before racing up his esophagus. But in a display of resilience that will surely be remembered for ages, the young freshman managed not only to close his mouth to the onslaught of vomit, but managed as well to swallow all of it!
When asked as to how he managed such a daunting feat, Barth boasted that he “ain’t a pussy, bitch.” Reports indicate that later in the day, Barth returned to his dorm where he drank three more beers and took a hit from his bong before heroically passing out on his bed until 5:15 PM. Even after all that poison and excess chemicals, Barth kept it together and is now feeling “almost perfect.” Truly inspiring!