Freshman Who Read “Allegory Of The Cave” Insistent That He Is Too Old For Kids Table
FreshmenWTF November 27, 2024 The New England Classic
UNEARNED SUPERIORITY COMPLEX — The wise are often criticized for the very wisdom they possess, and in no circumstance is this more evident than freshman perspectives students. This thanksgiving, Phil O. Sopher (MCAS ‘28) has been relegated to sit with his inferior younger cousins and siblings.
“Don’t they know how examined my life is.” said Sopher. “I literally understand everything there is to know about Plato. There’s these shadows for idiots and sunlight for cool people, and part of your soul is really hungry. Also a good city has like a smarter version of the Queen of England and everyone else is either a cop or a farmer.”
Sopher pities his cousins who are merely seniors in high school, still chained to the cave wall. He truly understands now that sometimes punching your friends in the balls as a joke is unjust, even if they deserve it.
“If he brings up Socrates one more time, I’m gonna put hemlock in his drink,” says Sopher’s cousin Anne Oyed. “When I asked him about his extracurriculars he started talking about venturing back into the cave to free his former compatriots. I asked if these former compatriots were passing their classes and had an active social and dating life unlike him. He just mumbled about how evil could sprint really fast.”
Sopher wasted no time when he got to sit among his intellectual peers. He asked his uncle, a lawyer, if he even knew what justice was. When his mom told him he needed to stop talking about installing a tripartite class system, he responded:
“What is more important, equality or the form of good?”
At press time, Sopher was seen misinterpreting the gadfly metaphor and preparing to bang pots and pans at 4am so he could wake his home from its stupor.
