The New England Classic
Plexus Mortuus: Remembering The William J. Flynn Recreation Complex
Behold me razed to rubble mounds, My iv’ry peaks reduced to dust; Proudly raised to touch the clouds, I now return to earthen crust. See there my heir of Margot’s name, Who scowls upon my shambled wreck, Who cruelly saw me fit to maim And brought the blade upon... Read more
Addazio’s Off-Campus Housing Lease Does Not Begin Until September 1, Will Miss Season Opener
KIRKWOOD ROAD — It was reported early Friday morning that Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio will miss his team’s season opener against Virginia Tech this weekend. The coach’s lease for his off-campus house on Kirkwood Road does not begin until September 1. It remains unclear why Addazio,... Read more
NASDAQ To Headline Modstocks, Dow Jones To Open
WALL STREET — NASDAQ will headline this year’s Modstocks, the Campus Activities Board (CAB) announced Tuesday. Dow Jones, 2019 Battle of the Bonds winner, will open for the annual spring trading event. Last year’s headliner, the S&P 500, faced controversy after the index was found to support flat earth... Read more
Regular Old Tyrion Lannister Tries To Turn ‘Thrones’ Conversation Into Sex

“I’ve actually been thinking a lot about Jorah, in the books he doesn’t really have greyscale because this guy Jon Connington, who’s been escorting Aegon Targaryen around, gets greyscale, so I’m wondering if he’ll be cured and make it to the end. So, can we get out of here, or do you want to hear my thoughts about The Golden Company and the elephants?”

Read more
British Student Walks Up Left Side Of Million Dollar Stairs
GABELLI PLAZA — British student Elizabeth Queen (MCAS ’22) caused mayhem on the Million Dollar Stairs on Wednesday when she used the left side of the stairs to ascend the incline. “Blokes do everything so different on this side of the pond,” said Queen. “So it’s parky out and... Read more
Student Asks Class Facebook Group If Anyone Wants Anything From CVS
CLEVELAND CIRCLE — Local samaritan Katie Rollhouse (LSOE ’21) posted an offer on the Official Boston College Class of 2021 Facebook group to pick up any items people might need from CVS. Since being published, the post has received a staggering number of “wow” and “angry” reacts — along... Read more
8-Man Expecting Way Too Much From Single String of Lights

“It was, like, so dark in there. I accidentally mixed my vodka with milk.”

Read more
REPORT: Thomas More Apartments Is Called That Because It Has More Thomases Than Any Other Building On Campus

“It was never our intention to invoke a sense of Catholicism in any way, shape, or form,” one administrator admitted in a later memo.

Read more
Newton Plague Survivors Debate Whether It’s Safe To Leave Their Bunker
NEWTON CAMPUS — In the basement of Keyes South, seven plague survivors have barricaded themselves in the basement study lounge for the past nine days. In an interview conducted via hushed FaceTime call, one of the students, Sophie Kelly (CSOM ’22), admitted that she and her companion are getting... Read more
Student Body To Decide Who Gets To Add ‘UGBC President’ To Their Resume
CHESTNUT HILL — Tension on campus has been palpable this week as the student body prepares for yet another heated UGBC election. After an intense series of debates, knocking on doors, and making Facebook profile picture frames, Thursday’s election will determine just which candidate will have the distinct honor... Read more