New Perspectives Curriculum Concludes Highest Achievable Good Is The WHOPPER Jr.®️
Campus CultureFreshmenSchoolSexStudent Life October 8, 2020
STOKES NORTH — In a jarring series of events, Professor Kerry Cronin rewrote thirty years of Perspectives curriculum after a revelation came to her in a dream. After her weekly Thursday night ritual of picking up a WHOPPER Jr.®️ and a large order of Burger King’s famous chicken fries... Read more
Hold The Phone: Molly Has A New Bitch
Campus CultureStudent Life October 7, 2020
GASSON QUAD — The undergraduate population was buzzing with excitement on Wednesday when campus fixture Molly the Dog was spotted with a much younger black labrador named Maisie. After rumors circulated that Molly was about to take a long trip to a farm upstate, she reached out to The... Read more
Entire Dorm Chants “Kairos”, Public School Freshman Scared And Confused
Campus CultureDorm StuffFreshmen October 6, 2020
UPPER CAMPUS — Last Saturday night, hundreds of desperate freshmen swarmed Upper Campus in an attempt to meet fellow first-years. Once there, however, reports state that a “large, rabid circle” formed on the basketball court and began chanting in unison while a freshman in the middle rolled back and... Read more
Woah! Helicopter!
Campus CultureStudent Life October 5, 2020
BOSTON COLLEGE — The Classic received a stream of reports about helicopters hovering over campus this morning, an event aerophile communities consider both “gratuitous aerial distraction” and “still super cool”. The sight left many speechless, but one junior captured the experience vividly. “So I was just like in my... Read more
OPINION: I’m A Water Fountain. Why Don’t You Want To Touch Me Anymore?
Campus CultureSex September 24, 2020
You’ve passed me hundreds of times, and you’ve touched me more than I can count. I would be lying if I said I didn’t always crave those brief moments of contact between us, your lips close to mine, my fluid draining into your thirsty mouth. Our encounters weren’t always... Read more
BC Defends Testing Inaccuracies: “We Were Grading On A Curve”
Campus CultureCoronavirus September 23, 2020
SAINT MARY’S HALL — In response to recent charges of negligence and misreporting, Boston College representatives have released statements defending its testing strategy. “Look, this is college, right?” reported University Spokesperson, Jack Dunn, “And what do you do in college? Anyone? Okay fine, I’ll tell you: you grade on... Read more
What The Fuck: Molly On Campus Without Mask
Campus CultureCoronavirusWTF September 1, 2020
The Classic tried to reach Molly’s owner’s wife for comment, but we were unable to make contact.
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University Confirms Nicotine Patches To Be Sold At Concessions
Campus CultureCoronavirusStudent Life July 20, 2020
YAWKEY ATHLETIC CENTER — In a controversial press release, Boston College Athletic Director Patrick Kraft announced on Saturday that the University had approved the sale of nicotine patches in Alumni Stadium and Conte Forum. The specialty patches, reportedly dubbed “EagleBuzz”, will join the 2018 inclusion of beer and wine... Read more
I should have been an emergency fire exit in Higgins, or a reflection room door on Newton campus. A sane man would have put me anywhere else. Instead, I am the Super Tiny Door Into Eagles. The tastiest licks in all of BC lie behind my hinges: soup with... Read more
STOKES LAWN — A discovery by the NEC Sandwichlight team has uncovered multiple damning reports alleging that hundreds of Boston College students have suspicious smudges of dirt on their foreheads. Reports began piling up early this morning and have not died down all day. Junior Katy Chisim told The... Read more