University Approves Pine Manor Conjugal Visits
PINE MANOR COLLEGE — After a near-record high of weekly coronavirus cases and a surge of students isolating in the so-called “COVID Jail”, University President Fr. William P. Leahy S.J. announced Monday evening that students would be allowed to visit Pine Manor College for explicitly conjugal purposes.
The purpose of these visits, according to Campus Ministry, is to keep students’ spirits (and other things) up. Leahy clarified that the conjugal visits would only be for students married in the Catholic Church and that LGBTQ+ students, Protestants, nerds, Gavin, students searching for premarital sex, and everybody else were out of luck.
“We want to take this opportunity to support our married students in their quest to be fruitful and multiply, even if they might have COVID-19. The rest can stay in their room by themselves, and pay $25 per diem for BC Dining drop off,” a representative from Campus Ministry said.
While Leahy was clear on who may or may not land a sweet, sweet coronavirus hookup, no details on the logistics of the plan have been offered. Presumably, some sort of procreation trailer will have to be established on the lush lawns of Pine Manor to give our sick and wedded students something to turn their 10-day isolation into 9 months of never being alone.