Fuckboy Would Date You If It Weren’t For “Everything Going on Right Now”
WALSH — In an unprecedented outpouring of concern for global public health, Brendan Marley (CSOM ‘23) shared that, “With all this coronavirus shit,” he did not think he could make a commitment to dating you. This announcement came to the fourth floor of Walsh Saturday morning, after you and Marley shared a long night on a twin-XL mattress under the glow of color-changing strip lights.
When pressed about his reasons for shying away from a proper DTR, Marley alluded to how the “uncertain times” and “crazy COVID stuff going on” prevented him from making a romantic commitment to you, specifically.
“When it comes down to it, like, nothing is guaranteed this year and I just need to spend as much time with my bros as I can, you understand, right? Also, with like Trump and Biden and whatever, and the Gulf War… sheesh.”
Marley later clarified that he does not believe COVID-19 will impact his ability to hook up with you, just his emotional availability. As Boston College cracked down on the number of guests allowed in each place of residence, Marley felt it was only right to enforce a strict no-sleepover policy at his place starting Saturday.
At press time, Marley seemed to be engaging in a new form of contact tracing via Snapchat.