“Send Stokes Set,” Pleads CAB Anonymously
Campus CultureStudent Life September 17, 2021 The New England Classic
EDUROAM — Users of the beloved social media app, Herrd, were puzzled this Friday when they logged on to find an influx of posts all reading “Send Stokes Set.” Sources close to the situation attribute the messaging to the wildly unpopular Campus Activities Board, though CAB has yet to claim responsibility.
These posts come on the eve of Stokes Set, the typically underwhelming concert organized by CAB every year. Set to perform on Saturday is singer and rapper Bryce Vine, also known as “That Guy With That One Song That You’ve Definitely Heard Before.” The event sold out within a matter of hours, though the vast majority of tickets were purchased by either loser freshmen or CAB Members’ annoying girlfriends.
CAB spokesperson Kyle Crab (MCAS ’23) responded to the allegations via Instagram story. “We take this sort of allegation very seriously,” wrote Crab of CAB. “With that being said, we’d love to see a lot of heads come out to Stokes Set this weekend so that we can justify not only our exorbitant operating budget but also our outright existence as an organization.”
Many Herrd users took to the app to air their displeasure towards the apparent marketing stunt. “I was going to go to stokes set but now im not,” one post read. Another user simply wrote, “I hate cab.” A third notable though possibly unrelated post to the app asked if anyone was “trying to get their toes sucked later.”
At press time, The New England Classic decided that it would like to extend a sincere apology to CAB for being kinda mean to you guys sometimes. We know that you’re real low-hanging fruit, but sometimes we can’t help ourselves. We will try to be better. The world’s got enough bad vibes as it is, ya know? Maybe we could all grab a beer or something one of these days. Would you like that, CAB? You would, wouldn’t you?