Local Dandelion Slut Blows Every Blossom In Town
MALONEY LAWN — Spring is in the air, and Eagles across the Heights are making the most of the good weather: setting up their hammocks, dartying off campus, and posing for photos with the cherry blossom trees. One student, who identifies as an environmental fundamentalist, has decided to celebrate the season in his own way.
“In my opinion,” John McNabstinence (MCAS ’22) told the Classic, “spring is about reproduction and the fertility of our Mother Earth. None of this day drinking bullshit. Frankly, it’s disrespectful.”
McNabstinence, an Environmental Science major, is extremely concerned about climate change and the effects it’s having on Boston’s flora and fauna. He has taken the matter into his own hands in a unique and highly intimate way.
“After the snow storm last week, I just knew I had to do something. I couldn’t sit idly by and watch the blossoms die. I’m not proud of it, but I’ve used my body in the only way I know how to protect our ecosystem.”
McNabstinence has spread the seed of over 200 dandelions in the area, blowing them with tender skill and finesse. He explained to the Classic that while he’s saving himself for marriage, he feels this doesn’t count, as he “takes no pleasure in the act,” and is “firmly rooted in the goal of procreation as I engage in this floral fellatio.”
Other students have expressed concern over McNabstinence’s behavior, describing him as “the most sexually repressed kid we know.”
“We get that it’s Earth Day and all,” said Connie Serned (CSON ’23), “but Jesus Christ, I watched him lick a dandelion slowly from top to bottom yesterday on the grass outside of Lower. That can’t be right.”
At press time, McNabstinence was spotted on all fours deepthroating a tulip in front of Gasson.