The New England Classic
Health Services To Begin Inserting Tiny Crucifixes In Place of IUDs
2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE — In a stunning and unprecedented leap into the pool of twenty-first century healthcare, University Health Services has decided to hop on board with the reproductive rights movement that began almost exactly 57 years ago on May 9, 1960, when the FDA approved the first birth control... Read more
Leahy Prays To Top Donors, Trustees For Guidance On Gender-Neutral Bathrooms
CARNEY HALL — On Sunday night, the Undergraduate Government of Boston College passed The Resolution Concerning Single Stall Restrooms, officially calling for a change in all strict male-or-female signage for the 18 single-stall restrooms in academic buildings on campus. In passing this resolution, UGBC has shown support and recognition... Read more
Paid Off By BC Administrators, God Rains Out Climate Justice Rally
EARTH — Due to a heavy rainfall, Tuesday afternoon’s Climate Justice at Boston College rally was forced to relocate from O’Neill Plaza to the Vanderslice Cabaret room. Although no foul play was suspected at first, an anonymous source has since come forward to confess that this was no mere... Read more
MBTA B Line Renovation Will Add 47 New Stops
NEAR DUNKIN DONUTS — The Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority (MBTA) announced this week that it will be redesigning the “B” Branch of the Green Line to include significantly more stops. The current plan, announced at Boston City Hall yesterday, slates for 47 new stops on the “B” line, which according... Read more
UGBC Presidential Candidate Found To Have Dangerously Close Ties To Student Government Of Moscow State University
CARNEY HALL — Coming at the end of what has been an especially caustic and divisive UGBC election, there has been a significant increase in gossip around campus about the candidates. Most notably, a vast majority of these rumors point to current presidential frontrunner Peter Volkov (LSOE ‘17) having uncomfortably... Read more
Boston College Promises To Provide Students Sanctuary From Snow, No Word Yet About White Nationalist US Administration
MALONEY PRESIDENTIAL SUITE — Taking advantage of yesterday’s snow day for some much-needed personal time, University President Rev. William P. Leahy, S.J., sat down with several members of the press to affirm Boston College’s commitment to keeping its students safe from the weather, but not the white nationalists passing... Read more
OPINION: I’m A Feminist, But Don’t Think I Won’t Cry To Get What I Want
Hey, don’t get me wrong—I totally think women should be equal to men. And that seventy-something cents to the dollar pay gap is total bull! Women’s rights are human rights, plain and simple. But just because I think that women and men should make the same amount of money... Read more
Carney Hall Files Divorce Proceedings with Boston College
In a move long-expected since the completion of Stokes Hall in 2013, Carney Hall announced today its intent to go ahead with filing its divorce papers in the Middlesex County Divorce Court with Boston College, its partner in matrimony since 1963.  Citing only at first “irreconcilable differences,” later questioning... Read more
Letter of Condolences to the Victims and their Families at Charlie Hebdo
As fellow satirical writers, is not often that we take a moment and look at the world seriously, but in light of the events today, we felt obligated to address the horrific tragedy that occurred today in Paris.  We at The New England Classic would just like to send... Read more