Fr. Butler Clarifies Last Name Not Due To Affinity For Service But Elitist Beliefs

VOW OF POVERTY — With the announcement of Fr. John ‘Jack’ Butler, S.J. as the next president of Boston College, campus is in a frenzy of pent up sexual energy to assess the character of Fr. Butler. To these ends, the Classic has acquired an exclusive interview with Fr. Butler to answer the questions everyone has been asking: Chode? Gay son or thot daughter? Is he my new dad?

“Many think my last name refers to my passion for helping others,” said Butler. “They are right, as long as those others have them cash-money, ka-ching, moo-la-la, huzz-getting bands. I live to serve people with manors that had their names scrubbed from flight logs.”

As Butler expounded on his life story, his motivations became clear. In kindergarten he was helping hold silver spoons in the mouths of trust fund kids, writing Santa to ask him to give his gift allotment to ExxonMobil, and drafting petitions in Sunday School asking the Pope to request a class system in Heaven.

“Some people call it a submission kink, I call it the pleasure of holding a silver tray in a tuxedo,” said Fr. Butler. “I joined the Jesuits because I believe in the Church’s virtue of docility, and I know at Boston College I’ll be at the obedient service of my masters—I mean Board of Trustees members.”

Some members of BC’s community have already backed Butler’s wealth-oriented mission. BC Republicans sent him a 15 pound gold-plated crucifix necklace. They even included a note reminding him that the weight will always have him constantly bowing to the might of the dollar.

When asked about the Church’s views on wealth, Fr. Butler explained: “If God sent you to be born into a rich family, clearly he likes you more than someone he sent to suffer in crippling poverty. God wants the rich to be happy, that’s why he gave them money: the root of all happiness. If I can’t have the money as a Jesuit, I’ll ensure others do on my behalf.”

At press time, Butler was seen engaging in his favorite activity: reporting tweets that speak negatively of Elon Musk for hate speech.

More Hot Single Sandwiches NEAR YOU:

UGBC Presidential Candidate Found To Have Dangerously Close Ties To Student Government Of Moscow State University Study Shows Gasson 2 To 3 Inches Shorter In Colder Months Records Reveal Boston College Has Paid $0 In Income Tax For 150 Years Five Things To Talk About Now That The Election Is Over, And They’re All The Rat Line