Letter To Thy Editor: Yes I Support Satan, Have You Seen Hell’s Economy?

It seems as though all any holy-minded person can talk about this millennia is the eternal fight for good versus evil! Since the fall of Lucifer, public consensus on who the true ruler of Earth should be has been split, and there are reasonable voices on each side. 

An unfortunate byproduct of this debate has been the unfair and dangerous attacks on those who support Satan. I have found myself targeted in the local town square, criticized amongst needlepoint circles, and labeled a “heretic” and “betrayer of God.” Mortals who support Satan should not be subjected to these kinds of ad-hominem attacks about our alignment with the Underworld. 

Some support the omniscient and most holy God’s infallible plan for existence. However, they fail to consider the impact on tithes. Why is it that a hard-working king who took the risk to employ hundreds of serfs on his father’s land should be tithed more? Further, they are so worried about Project 1325 that they don’t even care about the epidemic of illegal pagans slipping past the unfinished castle wall, bringing with them dangerous and addictive supplies of eye of newt. 

I recognize that Satan doesn’t always say the biblically correct thing, but I think he says it how it is. Satan’s call for the immediate killing of all babies as a sacrifice to the Hell Kingdom definitely could have been phrased better. Still, once you dig into the policy, there are so many economic and domestic benefits. With the cheap labor force and ceramics manufacturing abilities of the Ottoman Empire, it’s more important than ever that we protect domestic industry by minimizing the non-laboring population. 

And not to mention the obvious, but let’s quickly compare the workforce of Heaven under God’s reign. Heaven is hand-out central: Lazy-ass souls free ride on the cosmic system for the rest of their spirit lives. Compare that to Hell, where souls are forced to pull up their bootstraps and work for eternity towards Satan’s agenda to thwart God’s plan for humanity. 

Don’t fall victim to fake news from the radical Up that Satan’s supporters stormed the pearly gates and rained hellfire on the legions of heaven. Antiba (Anti-Beelzebub) forces were responsible, the same ones who support excommunication culture and hate Back the Gray pro-Knight policies.

While I understand hesitation about Satan’s rough edges, don’t blame me for seeing through his unrefined exterior. Is he the bearer of darkness and lord of all evil? Yes, but he’s also an accomplished businessman and has concepts of a plan to make the universe great again.

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