The New England Classic
Catholic Church Relieved To Not Be Only Institution With History Of Male Sexual Misconduct
VATICAN CITY — In a surprise press conference last week, Pope Francis weighed in on the growing series of sexual assault and harassment scandals that have been breaking with alarming regularity for the past few months. Speaking from deep within the Apostolic Palace, the Pope commended the brave women... Read more
Sophomore Accidentally Launches Nuclear Strike On Russia With UIS
NATO HQ, BRUSSELS — Innocently attempting to sign up for next semester’s classes on UIS early Friday morning, sophomore Harry Wood managed to quite literally set the world aflame when he accidentally launched 24 Trident Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles towards targets in Russia from a US Navy Ohio-class submarine stationed... Read more
Personal, National Tragedies Great For Ticket Sales, Reports BC Athletics Marketing Team
YAWKEY ATHLETIC CENTER — The marketing division of Boston College Athletics released a new report Friday, outlining a recently discovered phenomenon: deeply emotional tragedies can easily be co-opted into fun gameday themes in order to drastically increase ticket sales. This strategy has been proven successful only when used on... Read more
Anonymous Scumbag Selflessly Brings Attention To Campus Race Issues
At a university where students are largely silent with their bigoted values, one anonymous student made the bold decision to deface a Black Lives Matter sign Friday, thereby destroying any lingering semblance of racial progress at Boston College. Absolutely inspiring! Even though this vandalism was clearly fueled by a... Read more
Leahy’s Medical Needs Keeping BC From Fossil Fuel Divestment
CHESTNUT HILL — Boston College’s Board of Trustees made the controversial decision to double down on their investments in fossil fuels during a conference call earlier this week. This announcement has called into question the university’s commitment to environmental sustainability, as well as the dermatologic health of a prominent... Read more
38% of Student Body Shares Same One Black Friend
CHESTNUT HILL  — Thirty-eight percent of current Boston College undergraduates share the same one black friend, according to a recent study by the Department of Sociology. Researchers found that being friends with Marcus Williams (MCAS ‘19) provides over 2,000 students with an excuse to “jokingly” say the n-word and... Read more
Boston College Administrators Apparently Under Impression That Wheelchairs Have Jetpacks
ACADEMIC QUAD — In an exclusive interview this afternoon about Boston College’s accessibility for people in wheelchairs, a duo of Boston College administrators seemed to not see the problem with the university’s possibly illegal deficit of wheelchair ramps and other typically standardized campus accessibility accommodations. The administrators’ lack of concern... Read more
Health Services To Begin Inserting Tiny Crucifixes In Place of IUDs
2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE — In a stunning and unprecedented leap into the pool of twenty-first century healthcare, University Health Services has decided to hop on board with the reproductive rights movement that began almost exactly 57 years ago on May 9, 1960, when the FDA approved the first birth control... Read more
Leahy Prays To Top Donors, Trustees For Guidance On Gender-Neutral Bathrooms
CARNEY HALL — On Sunday night, the Undergraduate Government of Boston College passed The Resolution Concerning Single Stall Restrooms, officially calling for a change in all strict male-or-female signage for the 18 single-stall restrooms in academic buildings on campus. In passing this resolution, UGBC has shown support and recognition... Read more
Paid Off By BC Administrators, God Rains Out Climate Justice Rally
EARTH — Due to a heavy rainfall, Tuesday afternoon’s Climate Justice at Boston College rally was forced to relocate from O’Neill Plaza to the Vanderslice Cabaret room. Although no foul play was suspected at first, an anonymous source has since come forward to confess that this was no mere... Read more