The New England Classic
Campus Racists Attend “Acquitted Eagles Day”

Historically, Boston College has refrained from using “weighted” words such as “racist,” “hate-crime,” and “responsible,” but Sunday’s summit faced that language head-on, aiming to exonerate its attendees of any reason to associate the phrases with themselves.

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Our Takeaways From The State Of The Union Address

The State of the Union is a very formal occasion, and its guests must dress as such. Per a policy originating in the 1920 Treaty of Versailles, sweatpants are not, under any circumstances, permissible, and only certain types of jeans are allowed (depending on how well they are accessorized/bedazzled).

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Do Not Stand Idly By As BC Destroys Its Finest Cultural Institution
Here at The New England Classic, our editorial Sandwichboard rarely, if ever, directly comments on campus ongoings. In most normal situations, we believe that clever satire and silly photoshops can say a heck of a lot more than whatever comes out of soapbox shouting and editorial grandstanding. Unfortunately, this... Read more
Study Shows Gasson 2 To 3 Inches Shorter In Colder Months
HIGGINS HALL — According to the results of a new study released by the Biology department late last week, Gasson Hall is two to three inches shorter during colder months. “After analyzing years of data collected by a dedicated team of research scientists, our hard work has finally paid... Read more
Yes, Student With Barstool Flag Is Voting In Midterms Too
CLAVER HALL — In a stunning move Saturday evening, Bryce Myers (CSOM ’22) announced his intentions to vote in the upcoming midterm elections. Myers, who receives his political news from the Snapchat Discover section and has a large “Saturdays Are For The Boys” flag hanging on the wall of... Read more
REPORT: Dad Can’t Wait To Throw Around The Old Pigskin Whenever You Make It Home, Bud
YOUR HOMETOWN, YOUR HOME STATE — Your loving father (MCAS ‘79) reported over the phone last Thursday that he couldn’t wait for you to get home and throw around the old pigskin, buddy. This news came after an update on Mamaw’s hip replacement, and a reminder that your sister’s... Read more
Student In Write-Up Meeting Says “I like beer”
WALSH HALL — During his write-up meeting with Walsh Resident Director Diana Steinfein, pre-law student Brad Chadanaugh (MCAS ‘21) reportedly responded to a question about his drinking habits by saying that he “drank beer with his friends, liked beer, and still likes beer.” Steinfein says she discusses drinking habits... Read more
Boston College Now Demanding Poor Alumni Give Donations In Blood
In an effort to recognize the different socio-economic realities of its alumni, Boston College is launching a new program that will allow the University to collect donations in the form of credit, check, or blood. The initiative was introduced on Tuesday as part of the “Greater Heights” fundraising campaign... Read more
9/11 Moved To October 26th To Accommodate Red Bandana Game
ST. MARY’S HALL — Despite widespread criticism from students, faculty, and alumni, Boston College went forward on Monday with its decision to change the date of 9/11 to October 26th, the date of the annual “Red Bandana” football game. The “Red Bandana” game, which celebrates the heroic actions of... Read more
Artist With Pre-Copernican View Of Astronomy To Play University With Pre-Copernican View Of Everything
THE MODS — Last Tuesday the Campus Activities Board (CAB) confirmed that rapper B.o.B would headline this year’s Modstock concert, causing outrage among many members of the Boston College community. In 2016, the rapper released “Flatline,” in which he defended his opinion that the world is actually a flat... Read more