The New England Classic
Parents Weakened? Yeah, My Parents Were Weakened By The 2008 Recession!

Hessian and her family were drastically affected by the housing crisis of the late 2010s. Her father, a sketchy mortgage lender, was allegedly responsible for the utter decimation of housing prices in the New York City suburban area.

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Goodbye, Potatoes: BC Dining Gets Rid Of The One Thing Students Like

Brak’fousst is not alone. Increasing fury continues to spread among students as their staple breakfast item is M.I.A. But for a measly 2-3 times the past month, the crispy little nugs were replaced by other variations of fried potatoes.

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Local Student Under International Investigation Following Incriminating “Slay Queen” Remarks

Chaos has erupted around the globe since the incredibly recent death of Queen Elizabeth as authorities everywhere scramble to rule out foul play. Although autopsies point to natural causes, one student is struggling to clear her name.

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Baldwin Jr.’s Absence At Saturday’s Game Reveals Links To IRA Faction

“A review of Baldwin Jr.’s internet search history broke the news to students that the young eagle harbors sympathy for the paramilitary organization known as the Irish Republican Army, or the IRA.”

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CAB Cancels Mudstock, Announces Soupcrock

The Campus Activities Board of Boston College (CAB) made a surprise announcement Monday detailing its plan to cancel Mudstock and replace it with “Soupcrock.” Mudstock, the beloved annual student volleyball tournament, was scheduled for the first week of May.

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Mutual Sexiness and Unlikability: Why BC Students Often Marry Each Other

The implications of BC selective marriage for the future are harrowing. The world as we know it will be filled with a vast amount of men who are 5’8” but definitely 5’10” on their license.

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Uh Oh! Your Punta Hookup Just Asked You To Senior Prom At Newton North

Barrased continued, “I asked him where he was living, as one does when they meet a fellow Eagle, and when he said ‘I live in Newton,’ I just assumed he had the worst housing pick time known to man!”

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Comeau Defends Decision To End Required COVID Testing: “I Was Afraid Of Missing The BTR Reunion Tour”
UNIVERSITY HEALTH SERVICES — The church bells were ringing, the choirs were singing, and the unknown 617 area code phone calls were silent as news percolated that surveillance testing for the novel SARS-CoV-2 virus was no longer a requirement. BC had one man to thank: Dr. Douglas Comeau. What... Read more
Former Fake ID Owners Spend Weekend at Build-a-Bear, Pump It Up

The remaining population of underage juniors have opted for a more dignified and exclusive option: playing in a private room for 2 hours at Pump It Up. Summer B. Irthday (MCAS ’23) explained to The Classic that she is part of the “silent majority” of underage juniors, and repeatedly reiterated that the rug burn on her knees and elbows are “not what you think.”

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Underage Candidate’s Presidential Campaign In Doubt Following Fake ID Purge

“Weirdly, John kept on insisting that the birth year on his card be 1986,” said Wead Deeler (CSOM ’25), who organized the fake ID order. “He said he wanted a Pennsylvania ID because ‘they’re easy to fake, and it’s a battleground state.’”

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