The New England Classic
Boston College Now Demanding Poor Alumni Give Donations In Blood
In an effort to recognize the different socio-economic realities of its alumni, Boston College is launching a new program that will allow the University to collect donations in the form of credit, check, or blood. The initiative was introduced on Tuesday as part of the “Greater Heights” fundraising campaign... Read more
9/11 Moved To October 26th To Accommodate Red Bandana Game
ST. MARY’S HALL — Despite widespread criticism from students, faculty, and alumni, Boston College went forward on Monday with its decision to change the date of 9/11 to October 26th, the date of the annual “Red Bandana” football game. The “Red Bandana” game, which celebrates the heroic actions of... Read more
Artist With Pre-Copernican View Of Astronomy To Play University With Pre-Copernican View Of Everything
THE MODS — Last Tuesday the Campus Activities Board (CAB) confirmed that rapper B.o.B would headline this year’s Modstock concert, causing outrage among many members of the Boston College community. In 2016, the rapper released “Flatline,” in which he defended his opinion that the world is actually a flat... Read more
Boston College Finally Supports People Of Color By Allowing Bill Cosby To Keep Honorary Degree
Update: Boston College has since rescinded Cosby’s degree, either because they truly saw the error of their ways or because donors threatened to pull funding. Your guess is as good as ours. Boston College is finally taking a stand and letting everyone know that it proudly supports people of color.... Read more
Boston College EMS To Cease Kidney Theft Amid Public Outcry
CHESTNUT HILL, MA — Stating that the gruesome habit no longer reflects what the organization stands for, Boston College Emergency Medical Services (BC EMS) reported Monday morning that it will cease stealing the kidneys of inebriated students. While it intends to continue providing hospital transportation and other services for the... Read more
Catholic University Believes In Magic, But Not Gay People
The administration of Boston College, a Jesuit, Catholic university, released a video Thursday which suggests that they believe in magic, but have yet to provide evidence that the university believes in the existence of LGBTQ+ students. Students, tour groups, and Potterheads alike have been drawing comparisons between the architecture... Read more
OPINION: We Need More Diversity Among The Racists At Boston College
Someone needs to say what we’ve all been thinking. The racists on this campus are incredibly homogenous, and I’m tired of this lack of diversity. Having racists of all different backgrounds would be a true benchmark of acceptance at Boston College. Everyone keeps talking about how there’s no diversity... Read more
OPINION: Guns Don’t Kill People, Condoms Kill People
There’s a lot of talk right now about the Second Amendment and the need to increase firearms regulations. Well, the joke’s on you, because I’ve read the Constitution, and it’s pretty clear that people have a right to own guns, so there. And honestly, I don’t really care, because this entire God-forsaken... Read more
Fr. Leahy Sees His Shadow, Avoids Condemning Racism For Six More Weeks
ST MARY’S HALL — This morning, Boston College president Fr. William P. Leahy emerged from his burrow, spotted his shadow, and retreated back inside in fear, signaling that he will not condemn racism for at least six more weeks. This is a trend that has persisted nearly every Groundhog... Read more
Boston College Unveils New Jesuit Values Following Growing Union Power
ST. MARY’S HALL  —  Father Kevin, S.J. and his team of competent, ethical elites have been working on something big. The Jesuits at Boston College, under the direction of the Human Resources Department have unveiled a new set of Jesuit values to replace the tired, old set everyone has... Read more