The New England Classic
Student In Suit Must Be Important
BOSTON COLLEGE — Turning heads and sparking private hypotheses as to what exactly he was going to or coming from, junior Kyle Andersonian (CSOM ‘17) was spotted sporting a suit and tie early Wednesday morning by multiple trustworthy sources. Despite eyewitnesses’ not possessing any knowledge of Andersonian’s age, socioeconomic... Read more
Senior Finally Receives Fake ID Ordered Freshman Year
Boston College senior Al Cohall (MCAS ‘16) celebrated this morning after his fake ID, which he ordered with old friends the second week of freshman year, finally arrived in the mail. Cohall, a native of Altoona, Pennsylvania, ordered the Connecticut driver’s license to be sent to his Keyes North room... Read more
University Counseling Services Offering Thanksgiving Break-Up Hotline
GASSON HALL — Acutely aware that it’s a perilous time of year for many doe-eyed freshmen still clinging onto their long-distance relationships with high school sweethearts, Boston College’s University Counseling Services is offering a 24/7 hotline open from November 25th until November 29th for any first-year student that may... Read more
Students, Clocks Become One During 48 Hours
NEWPORT, RI — Nestled among the scenic shops and mansions of Newport, Rhode Island, freshmen and senior mentors recently spent 48 Hours becoming one with the passage of time. The two-day retreat opened with the first hour, reported students. Then the next few hours passed. Students noted they initially... Read more
BC To Implement Safe Space for Conservative Students
REAL AMERICA — Much to the dismay campus conservatives, “PC Culture” has been plaguing colleges across the country, most recently at Yale. This sea change in campus climate has brought tense discussions on privilege, race, gender, sexual preference and identity, and socioeconomic brackets to the forefront of the national... Read more
The 5 Types of People You Always Meet on the Newton Bus
Surprise! You’re a freshman on Newton! While the bus ride may be inconvenient, Newtonites love the freshmen-only dining in Stuart and the sense of community unknown to the bastards on Upper – according to your OL, at least. You’ll definitely appreciate it some day, right!?!? RIGHT!?! In the meantime,... Read more
Overeager Pre-Med Student Uses Ambulance Transport as Valuable Healthcare Networking Opportunity
Pre-Med Freshman Calvin O’Malley, both working hard and partying harder, enhanced his resume this weekend with a stimulating research opportunity in the back of a Fallon Ambulance located outside the Keyes North Basement. As he was covered with the white thermal sheet, visions of the white coat which will... Read more
Finance Intern Literally Chained to Desk
Chad McBride (CSOM ’17), a summer intern at Goldman Sachs, has reportedly been literally chained to his desk at work. While it is not uncommon for finance interns to work insanely long and hard (hehe) hours six days a week, McBride’s being chained to a desk seems to be... Read more
Camp Counselors Swear They’re Gaining Relevant Resumé Experience
Sources close to several Boston College students working as camp counselors over the summer confirmed that these Eagle camp counselors all firmly believed that they were gaining “relevant” and “meaningful” experiences and skills in their summer work that would “directly translate to their jobs in the real world.” These... Read more
BC to Auction off Amy Poehler’s Rejected Alumni Event RSVPs
In an effort to fundraise for next year’s fresh grass, the Fr. Bill Feahy, SJ, invisible president of the university, has announced that Boston College will be auctioning off Amy Poehler’s (MCAS ‘93) rejected RSVPs to alumni fundraising events. In recent years the school has reached out to Poehler... Read more