COVID Cases Spike After UGBC Distributes Identical Water Bottles
CONTE FORUM — Following students’ return to campus for the Spring 2021 semester, the Undergraduate Government of Boston College came under fire this week with the recent spike in undergraduate COVID-19 cases becoming increasingly linked to the governing body’s mass distribution of identical water bottles.
In what many are calling “an Oprah-inspired act of benevolence gone awry,” hundreds of students have reported accidentally sharing water bottles with their roommates due to confusion over who the water bottle actually belonged to, leading to a predictably rapid rise of viral spread across campus.
“I mean I think it was definitely a nice gesture, but they all look the same, so we really have no idea whose is whose. We even tried putting our names on them to differentiate, but that didn’t work after we realized all of our names are some variation of either John, Jack, or Thomas,” said Tommy Johnson (MCAS ’23), one of Thompson’s roommates.
“At least with the UGBC water bottle I still had something to drink,” said Johnson’s roommate Jack Thompson (MCAS ’23) in an email sent to the Classic. “Here at Hotel Boston my daily Dasani ration is far from guaranteed.”
While some students fell victim to the Covid surge, others were unaffected. “I don’t understand why people even took the things in the first place, but I’m also not surprised UGBC felt the need to hand out water bottles with literal instructions inside to all their sheeple followers,” said Gavon Nunes (CSOM ’21). “I, for one, don’t need big government telling me to drink water.”
In response to the outbreak, UGBC leadership announced a set of suggestions to prohibit its identical water bottles from causing any further spread, including:
- Forgoing the use of water bottles and drinking directly from the faucet
- Kissing each roommate every morning to achieve herd immunity
- Getting the Covid vaccine
- No longer drinking water
At press time, CAB was seen issuing its members specially customized water bottles in an effort to distinguish theirs from the general public.