The New England Classic
BC to Auction off Amy Poehler’s Rejected Alumni Event RSVPs
In an effort to fundraise for next year’s fresh grass, the Fr. Bill Feahy, SJ, invisible president of the university, has announced that Boston College will be auctioning off Amy Poehler’s (MCAS ‘93) rejected RSVPs to alumni fundraising events. In recent years the school has reached out to Poehler... Read more
Student Spontaneously Combusts After Playing Music Without Headphones in Library
Earlier this afternoon, Ann Fire (A&S ‘16) spontaneously combusted into a ball of flame and debris after she started to stream Hilary Duff’s “Coming Clean” on the fifth floor of O’Neill library without inserting her headphones first. Hoping to save the day, the Boston Fire Department rushed to the... Read more
Lynch Sophomore Hoping for 4 Gold Stars on Final; Would Settle for 3
With an important final exam season quickly approaching, Kelly O’Connor (LSOE ‘17) is buckling down for the last stretch of her studies. O’Connor emphasized that her entire semester grades were riding on her Family, School, & Society final exam: If she averages 4 gold stars on her final, then... Read more
Science Major Loses Voice After Complaining About Workload
Biochemistry major Michael O’Malley (A&S ’18) completely lost his voice yesterday (or, as he called it, “contracted mild laryngitis”) after spending hours complaining to his friends about how hard it is to major in the sciences, especially biochemistry. O’Malley is no stranger to complaining about the massive textbooks and heavy... Read more
Boston College RAs Write Up Unsuspecting Neighbors in Cancun Hotel
Four friends, who happen to be Resident Advisors at Boston College, are spending their spring break at The Oasis Hotel in beautiful Cancun, Mexico. Though they welcome the hiatus from classes, they have promised not to let their vacation interfere with their duties as RAs. These heroes have taken... Read more
Odd-numbered Friend Group Struggles to Complete 8-man
As the housing lottery quickly approaches, the anxiety of freshmen across campus has spiked. Freshmen have the option of several housing arrangements on Lower Campus, namely the coveted 8-mans of Vanderslice Hall, 90 St. Thomas More, and Walsh Hall.  These palaces of debauchery and sweat represent the epitome of... Read more
Students Agree: No Reason To Get Out Of Bed
On this brisk, glorious Sunday morning, Boston College students across campus have posed an important question: “why should we get out of bed?”. After brief discussion, all individuals have unanimously agreed that every moment spent out of the bed today will be “pretty pointless.” “Why should we get out... Read more
Boston College Dummies’ Guide: Understanding Greek Life Terms
Winter break is a wonderful time for college students everywhere to meet up with old friends from back home. While you and your high school pals are catching up and sharing crazy stories over some ice-cold, refreshing bottles of Bud Light Platinum™, you might feel confused and alienated when... Read more
BCPD Stops Alleged “Die-In” Protest at 3:47am in Bapst
157 Boston College students are under investigation for staging a die-in protest in Bapst Library. Boston College, which recently punished students for harmlessly laying down and practicing their right to protest in St. Mary’s, has been on red alert lately. “We’re really keeping a vigilant eye out for inappropriate... Read more
Freshmen Use Generic Names for New Friends When Memory Fails
Citing their frustration at having to learn the different names of so many people, Boston College freshmen have resolved to call every one of their new friends either Dan or Madison, depending on gender. “It became clear to me within the first week here that learning all these names... Read more