The Wolf of Comm. Ave: This Guy Made $1.37 Day-Trading on Robinhood
GABELLI HALL — Sources reported that Dom Jones (CSOM ’21) netted $1.37 day-trading on Robinhood earlier this week, just days after he opened a trading account with the popular app.
According to his roommates, Jones missed all of his classes and spent his entire Tuesday staring at the ticker at the bottom of the screen on CNBC. He was reportedly elated when he made his final trade just before markets closed, cementing his profitable day-trading session.
“What a great day for my portfolio,” Jones said repeatedly, hoping one of his roommates would eventually respond. “I’ve been wanting to take on the market for a while now, and today I grabbed the bull by the horns and won. Of course, I’ve got to give credit to my guy Dave Portnoy for his top-notch stock tips, and to my parents for advancing me the $10,000 to invest.”
Despite Jones’s turning a profit, not everyone was impressed.
“I think he’s taking this a little too far,” said Jones’s roommate Bill Merket (MCAS ’21). “After the final bell, he started running around the living room yelling ‘I AM THE WOLF OF COMM. AVE!’ and then tore his shirt off and started pounding his chest like in the movie. It was definitely a bit much.”
“I’m glad he didn’t lose any money, but I can’t exactly say I’m blown away,” Lauren Moffat (CSOM ’21) said. “The market’s been pretty hot as of late, so most people probably made a lot more than $1.37. I mean, his alpha was negative compared to every major benchmark!”*
At press time, Jones was seen listening to “Jordan Belfort” on loop while applying to senior-level management positions at several top Wall Street firms.
*This joke is specifically directed towards CSOM students and finance minors. If you or a loved one is having difficulty understanding the concept of alpha, approach any student carrying around a PwC or Citi water bottle in Fulton Hall. He or she will be happy to explain the concept in great detail, and provide unsolicited thoughts on Bitcoin and interest rates as well.