AJ Dillon Hired To Break Up Cheesesteak Line
SportsStudent Life September 12, 2018
LOWER LIVE — After weeks of intense pressure from student groups and BC Dining staff, Boston College has reportedly settled on a solution for battling the increasingly long lines at Corcoran Commons. “Basically, we’re just gonna have AJ pound the shit out of each line about halfway down, and... Read more
Dishes Slowly Gathering In Sink Eager To Destroy Peaceful 8-Man
Student Life September 11, 2018
VANDERSLICE HALL — Peering over the sink with satisfaction, a growing stack of unwashed dishes reportedly can’t wait to ruin the peace in its otherwise tranquil 8-person suite. “I know Katie and Sara are getting along now,” said Sticky Coffee Mug (Dirty Since 08/28). “But just wait till they’re... Read more
Inbred Piece Of Human Garbage Wears White After Labor Day
Student Life September 4, 2018
GASSON QUAD — Tommy Michelson (MCAS ’19) was spotted lounging on the Gasson Quad with his roommates today sporting a pair of white Vineyard Vines shorts. Does that dumb bitch not know that yesterday was Labor Day? Michelson, usually a perfectly presentable dresser, seemed blissfully ignorant of his fashion... Read more
Club Eager To Reject Kids They Just Recruited At Involvement Fair
FreshmenStudent Life September 3, 2018
MIDDLE CAMPUS — Hundreds of student organizations took to Stokes Lawn on Friday, eager to recruit hordes of freshmen whose ambitions they could crush. The lineup included dance groups like Sexual Chocolate, service organizations such as 4Boston, and leadership clubs like the Rookie Leadership Program (RLP). Sarah Sivian, RLP... Read more
Vatican Reminds BC Dining That Snack Attack Was Original Holy Trinity
JesuitsStudent Life August 30, 2018
VATICAN CITY — In a nearly 200-page encyclical titled “Execarbilis,” Pope Francis on Friday called for Boston College to reinstate the Late Night dining policies it abandoned for the 2018-2019 academic year. “Just as the Father, Son and Holy Ghost form a Holy Trinity, so hallowed is the union... Read more
Student Has Sinking Suspicion No One Really Cares How Her Summer Was
SchoolStudent Life August 26, 2018
LOWER LIVE — Munching on a full plate of questionable eggs and home fries, junior Samantha O’Gallison reportedly began to wonder whether or not all of her classmates actually cared how her summer was. Sources close to O’Gallison believe she fears the vast majority of people who have asked... Read more
OL Under Impression He’s “The Hot One”
FreshmenStudent Life July 31, 2018
THOMAS MORE APARTMENTS — Adjusting his gold-plated name tag from his reflection in the Robsham window, orientation leader Brayden McPatrick confirmed his self-appointed place in the OL hierarchy. “From the very beginning of training, the First Year Experience staff emphasized that we were selected to represent the BC community... Read more
Mary Ann’s Purchased By Walt Disney Company
Student Life July 18, 2018
CLEVELAND CIRCLE — Mary Ann’s Bar, the beloved local watering hole frequented by Boston College students for decades, was sold last week to the most magical company in the world. In the wake of its impending acquisition of 21st Century Fox, The Walt Disney Company has purchased Mary Ann’s... Read more
ALUMNI STADIUM — On Monday morning, Boston College conferred approximately 2,300 degrees to graduates of the various undergraduate schools. Amid the smiles, congratulatory remarks, and photographs, one newly-minted BC grad came to the realization she might not have gotten everything she should’ve out of her liberal arts degree. Upon being handed... Read more
Report: “Fuck, Roommate Out of Shampoo”
Student Life May 2, 2018
IGNACIO HALL — Since yesterday morning, reports have been pouring in that Christina Lavarme (LSOE ‘18) is still waiting for her direct roommate Christina Greene (MCAS ‘18) to buy more shampoo. This lack of shampoo comes at a particularly tumultuous time, given that the Iggy B68 roommates have been... Read more