“I’m Definitely The Mom Of The Group,” Reports Woman Giving Birth In Walsh Hallway
SexStudent Life September 24, 2018
WALSH HALL — It was reported late Saturday night that Boston College sophomore, Mary Beaufor-Sax, went into labor in a corridor of Walsh Hall. Before she left for school, many of her small-town peers from Nazareth, Pa., were skeptical of what this single, college-aged woman would be able to... Read more
Boston College To Protect Students With Juul Citizenship As FDA Ban Approaches
Student Life September 20, 2018
DEVLIN BATHROOM — With the rise of e-cigarettes among young adults and children, the Food and Drug Administration plans to instate a ban against e-nicotine products, most notably Juuls. Boston College has responded to this looming ban by announcing its own plan to protect its Juul Citizens: the administration has... Read more
Meat-Eaters And Vegans Finally Agree: The Grateful Burger Sucks
Student Life September 19, 2018
CORCORAN COMMONS — In a shocking development late Sunday evening, vegans and carnivores alike found themselves united under a radical new idea: the Grateful Burger is fucking gross. The new addition to the Chestnut Hill Grill contains only 50% beef, with the other 50% being a mix of vegetables... Read more
Yoga Mat Thrilled To Spend Another Year Under Junior’s Bed
SportsStudent Life September 18, 2018
STAYER HALL — The large black yoga mat belonging to local junior Vivian Greene has finally made peace with the fact that it will be neglected and ignored for the entire 2018-2019 school year. Like many Boston College students, Greene recently declared a newfound commitment to exercise, but has... Read more
AJ Dillon Hired To Break Up Cheesesteak Line
SportsStudent Life September 12, 2018
LOWER LIVE — After weeks of intense pressure from student groups and BC Dining staff, Boston College has reportedly settled on a solution for battling the increasingly long lines at Corcoran Commons. “Basically, we’re just gonna have AJ pound the shit out of each line about halfway down, and... Read more
Dishes Slowly Gathering In Sink Eager To Destroy Peaceful 8-Man
Student Life September 11, 2018
VANDERSLICE HALL — Peering over the sink with satisfaction, a growing stack of unwashed dishes reportedly can’t wait to ruin the peace in its otherwise tranquil 8-person suite. “I know Katie and Sara are getting along now,” said Sticky Coffee Mug (Dirty Since 08/28). “But just wait till they’re... Read more
Inbred Piece Of Human Garbage Wears White After Labor Day
Student Life September 4, 2018
GASSON QUAD — Tommy Michelson (MCAS ’19) was spotted lounging on the Gasson Quad with his roommates today sporting a pair of white Vineyard Vines shorts. Does that dumb bitch not know that yesterday was Labor Day? Michelson, usually a perfectly presentable dresser, seemed blissfully ignorant of his fashion... Read more
Club Eager To Reject Kids They Just Recruited At Involvement Fair
FreshmenStudent Life September 3, 2018
MIDDLE CAMPUS — Hundreds of student organizations took to Stokes Lawn on Friday, eager to recruit hordes of freshmen whose ambitions they could crush. The lineup included dance groups like Sexual Chocolate, service organizations such as 4Boston, and leadership clubs like the Rookie Leadership Program (RLP). Sarah Sivian, RLP... Read more
Vatican Reminds BC Dining That Snack Attack Was Original Holy Trinity
JesuitsStudent Life August 30, 2018
VATICAN CITY — In a nearly 200-page encyclical titled “Execarbilis,” Pope Francis on Friday called for Boston College to reinstate the Late Night dining policies it abandoned for the 2018-2019 academic year. “Just as the Father, Son and Holy Ghost form a Holy Trinity, so hallowed is the union... Read more
Student Has Sinking Suspicion No One Really Cares How Her Summer Was
SchoolStudent Life August 26, 2018
LOWER LIVE — Munching on a full plate of questionable eggs and home fries, junior Samantha O’Gallison reportedly began to wonder whether or not all of her classmates actually cared how her summer was. Sources close to O’Gallison believe she fears the vast majority of people who have asked... Read more