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I’m Jewish …You’ve Got Schmutz On Your Face

Holidays Jesuits March 2, 2022

“I don’t know the significance of the stuff. Everyone has the right to practice what they want, but golly, I just want to lick my thumb and shine them up just like my Bubbe used to do.”

BC Postpones Divestment To Give World Time To Forget Harvard Did It First

Jesuits Leahy WTF October 13, 2021

Father Leahy supposedly told the senior staff assembled that he would “not let it look like we’re copying those Ivy League fucks,” his frock crumbling with disdain as if it were flustered as well.

Fr. Leahy To Offer Exorcisms To The Sick

Coronavirus Jesuits Leahy March 1, 2021

“I didn’t end up having the virus, but just like the Four Loko, that shit cleaned me out. Lots of stuff resurfaced—turns out Jesus and I have a couple of things in common, like mad daddy issues.”

Jim Christian Relieved To Be Jim Atheist Again

Jesuits Sports February 16, 2021

Though many would have been distressed over the prospect of a job search during the pandemic, Atheist was grateful for the chance to return to his born surname.

Spooky: BC Bookstore Sale Offering 20% Off Your Life Expectancy

Jesuits Spooky Student Life October 27, 2020

I felt a phantasm of my mother’s being beckoning me, like a tether to this corporeal realm, and as she called me back from the darkness, she whispered, ‘Get your father and I “BC Mom and Dad” fleece jackets, sweetie.

Student Overhears Father Leahy in Confession: “Fuck Them Kids”

Jesuits Leahy October 13, 2020

ST. IGNATIUS — Reports surfaced that the walls in the confessionals are dangerously thin. Current student Jack Barrey (CSOM ’21) said he was waiting in line to confess his sins from two Marathon Mondays ago when he heard something unsettling coming from the confessional. “I sat there in disbelief,... Read more

Campus Ministry Begins Individually Plastic-Wrapping Communion Wafers

Coronavirus Jesuits March 10, 2020

McELROY COMMONS — The Office of Campus Ministry announced Tuesday morning that effective immediately all eucharistic wafers will be individually wrapped in saran wrap. The statement was communicated to the Boston College community in an email which also included the phrase “care for the whole person” 17 times. “Due... Read more

Fuck It: We Ranked All The Books Of The Bible That We Could Remember Offhand

Jesuits Student Life February 6, 2020

JOHN Okay, we all know THIS is the best Bible. It has Jesus, Jesus’ little pals, and even two fish! We will award John $25 to Home Depot. DEUTERONOMY Uh-Oh! Dirty Bible! We remember this Bible because it is little more than a filthy carnival of the uncouth, and... Read more

BC Cancels Campus Subscription to WSJ, Replaces With W, S.J.

Jesuits WTF April 4, 2019

ST. MARY’S HALL — Boston College Libraries, under the direction of administrators, quietly cancelled campus subscriptions to the Wall Street Journal (WSJ) last week, replacing them with subscriptions to a new Jesuit periodical, W, S.J. The cancellation, which was announced via Post-it Note on the O’Neill Answer Wall on... Read more

Priest Confused As To Why Students Are Giving Out Weird Gloves Outside Of Mac

Jesuits Sex February 14, 2019

MCELROY HALL — This past Friday, as he was strolling down Commonwealth Avenue, Fr. Rob Trogen, S.J. reportedly encountered two students giving out “weird gloves” outside of the McElroy Dining Hall. According to onlookers, Fr. Trogen appeared confused by the students’ helpful-yet-mischievous demeanor. “Why don’t these gloves have any... Read more