The New England Classic
Catholic Church Relieved To Not Be Only Institution With History Of Male Sexual Misconduct
VATICAN CITY — In a surprise press conference last week, Pope Francis weighed in on the growing series of sexual assault and harassment scandals that have been breaking with alarming regularity for the past few months. Speaking from deep within the Apostolic Palace, the Pope commended the brave women... Read more
BREAKING: Beer, Wine Sales Expanded To St. Ignatius Sunday Mass
ST. IGNATIUS CHURCH — On Friday morning, the Parish of St. Ignatius of Loyola announced that it would begin expanding its communion offerings to all parish masses starting with the 10:00 AM service this Sunday, December 3. This decision appears to have been inspired by the recent actions of... Read more
Spooky! Student Refuses To Buy Into Jesuit Traditions, Has No Reflection
WILLIAMS HALL — Thursday morning, sophomore Eric Johnson made a shocking discovery after he walked into the bathroom of his College Road quad. “I was just going about my usual morning routine—smashing the snooze button on my alarm clock until my roommate throws a pillow at me, and then... Read more
Newly Ordained Fr. Kevin Spends All Of Mass Playing “Flappy Bird” On Phone
CONTE FORUM — During Boston College’s annual Mass of the Holy Spirit, newly ordained, and self-proclaimed “hip, young Jesuit” Fr. Kevin, S.J., spent the entirety of the service playing “Flappy Bird” on his iPhone 6. The traditional “opening ceremony” for the academic year dates back to the Middle Ages, when Jesuits commemorated the... Read more
“God Best Experienced In This Hot Tub,” Reports Vacationing Jesuit
TURKS AND CAICOS ISLANDS — After ordering several fruity drinks and stripping down from his robes, Fr. Tommy O’Harrison, SJ, who treated himself to a vacation over Boston College’s spring break, reportedly came to the divine realization on Sunday afternoon that God was best experienced in the exact jacuzzi at The Palms... Read more
“Eat, Drink, Talk, Kink”: Lower Unveils BDSM-Themed Valentine’s Menu
KINKERAN COMMONS — Going against hundreds of years of rigid Church doctrine, Boston College Dining Services cooked up some controversy on Tuesday morning by announcing a special menu for Valentine’s Day. Catering to the most heathenous members of the BC community, the aptly named “Eat, Drink, Talk, Kink” program will... Read more
Boston College Promises To Provide Students Sanctuary From Snow, No Word Yet About White Nationalist US Administration
MALONEY PRESIDENTIAL SUITE — Taking advantage of yesterday’s snow day for some much-needed personal time, University President Rev. William P. Leahy, S.J., sat down with several members of the press to affirm Boston College’s commitment to keeping its students safe from the weather, but not the white nationalists passing... Read more
Guy Who Just Said ‘And Also With You’ Clearly Hasn’t Done This In A While
O’Neill Plaza Church — While at Mass of the Holy Spirit, a tradition at the beginning of the school year for Jesuit high schools and universities throughout the world, junior Shane McCarthy (CSOM ’18) uttered the words “and also with you” in response to Father Leahy’s “peace be with... Read more
Leahy Attends Student Involvement Fair: ‘This Is The Semester I Put Myself Out There’

It’s never too late to get involved!

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2150 Earnestly Hoping To Be Named After Old, Rich Donor Or Jesuit
COMM AVE — With summer quickly approaching and the fall semester on deck, the final touches are being put on Boston College RA’s newest hunting ground: the 2150 Commonwealth Avenue Residence Hall. Among other things, the state-of-the-art dormitory will feature a coffee bar, multiple bathrooms per suite, and terrific... Read more