LTE: Jesus Ascended? I Thought That Was Girls-Only?
HolidaysJesuits April 20, 2025 The New England Classic
Dear NEC,
I am really confused.
You see, I was at mass for Easter Sunday with my whole family, Gramps and GamGam too, when I heard something that highkey made no sense.
Honestly though, I was barely paying attention because there was this girl who kept looking back at me during the procession so I was given her the look like “are we gonna keep playing eye tag or are you gonna holla at ya boy.” But the priest was talking up at the altar or whatever – and then she looked back at me again so I know she wants me – and then the priest said that Jesus ascended.
Full stop.
What? How can he Ascend? That’s the girls only retreat and Jesus is literally the Son of God.
Like I went on the boring Freshman League retreat (and did not get any of the free drinks I was promised), and you’re telling me I literally could have gone on the girls one instead?
I mean since it’s Jesus he probably found a loophole or something, being the Son of God and all. He definitely said something like, “Do you know who my Father is?” I mean when does the Daddy card not work at BC?
But just imagine being there. Jesus is a lucky guy, all of those girls were probably fawning over him and the holes in the hands. I can almost see it, the way they’d all want to feel his hands for the holes there and then they’d say, “Oh your hands are so soft, Jesus.” That could’ve been me.
I mean their “feelings” talks probably had more crying then ours did but Jesus could handle that and so can I. Just imagine: a circle of girls, all of them being vulnerable and crying over their dads or something, and then I swoop in – a knight in shining, tiny gray sweatpants – to save them. And all I’d say is, “Hey, let’s just calm down,” like Jesus would. If I could’ve been there with Jesus, I’d have them all in the palm of my hand.
Trust.
