Golden Jesuit: Father Leahy Trades Collar for C*nd*ms

YOUR MOM’S T.V. — ABC’s new spin off “The Golden Bachelor” has been an unanticipated hit. From reminding viewers that old people are in fact real people to making them wonder why the idea of that older man teaching them how to change a tire makes them feel warm inside, people just can’t seem to get enough of it. Whatever the reason, the show has brought the network unparalleled success, so much so that they are exploring additional spinoffs to maximize their earnings from this endeavor. 

One man, well accustomed to selling out, is fit for the task of being the network’s newest and brightest shining star. Scheduled for release in the coming months, ABC released this statement on the new spin off, “The Golden Jesuit.”

Once a man of God, now a God of love. This prim and proper priest who has spent the majority of his life being a figurehead at Boston College is ready to trade that position for a more pleasurable one… Father Leahy is a man who swore off women in pursuit of knowledge, promotions, money, promotions, money, promotions, money, money, money, money, money, money, money. But can refocus his attention on the ladies around him? Who will get a rose, and who will be damned to an eternity in depths of hell for wearing an above the knee skirt or getting their period? Tune in Tuesdays at 8/7c to find out. 

When asked for comment on his new role, and the possibility of roleplay, Father Leahy was as usual, a man of few words. 

“All I know is they offered me more for one episode than my entire salary. Plus I don’t have to embezzle any of the money, deal with these whiny kids, and can finally get laid,” commented Leahy. 

When asked her thoughts on the newest eligible bachelor in the world of good-guy-gone-bad reality television, a contestant on the show, Hornnie N. Oald, said that she is “Excited to see his crucifix dangle from his neck,” and looks forward to tasting “The bread and wine” of Leahy himself. She was later spotted preparing a racy nun outfit that is sure to have Leahy feeling the hole-y spirit. 

At press time, Leahy was seen breathing a sigh of relief, putting his days of pretending to care about students behind him as he moves on to bigger and better things. 

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