Student Overhears Father Leahy in Confession: “Fuck Them Kids”
ST. IGNATIUS — Reports surfaced that the walls in the confessionals are dangerously thin. Current student Jack Barrey (CSOM ’21) said he was waiting in line to confess his sins from two Marathon Mondays ago when he heard something unsettling coming from the confessional.
“I sat there in disbelief, thinking it couldn’t possibly be true, but I know what I heard,” Barrey said.
Barrey alleged that he heard Father Leahy saying, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Fuck these kids. I didn’t pick this fucking job, and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to see any of their desperate faces anymore. They’re always whining like babies, as if their daddies aren’t putting them through this school on their hedge fund earnings.”
“Frankly, now that I’ve thought about it a little, it’s not really super surprising,” Barrey continued. “I’m starting to realize he doesn’t really care that much about us after all.”
“It just seemed like it was almost directed at me, so I really was personally offended,” said Barrey, whose father is a hedge fund manager.
The NEC reached out to Father Leahy for comment, but he was unsurprisingly shirking his responsibilities yet again, this time with an outing on the golf course. We did, however, perform a clandestine surveillance operation, in which we saw Leahy loosening his clergy collar and letting out an exasperated sigh, before throwing his 9-iron in a fit of rage.
At press time, another student also overheard Jack Dunn confess to leaving his wife behind by mistake after their Columbus Day Weekend getaway. “He told the priest he just left without her. He said, ‘It was an honest mistake, but I think she’s really upset with me. She’s even threatening to take away my monthly spa membership! Father, what will I do without my shiatsu?’ I almost feel bad for him,” said Eliza Harris (MCAS ’20), “but then I remember it’s Jack Dunn.” Dunn was, for the first time literally ever, unavailable for comment.