The New England Classic
University Announces You Can Bring Two Hand Puppets To Graduation

Students whose parents are divorced are still encouraged to bring two puppets, on the grounds that they remain cordial and do not let their puppets engage in any hilarious family disputes, outrageous slapstick violence with oversized blunt objects, or crude puns during the ceremony. 

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WTF: BC GET Pizza Boy Won’t Accept Sex As Payment

“I opened the door and expected him to swoon at my advances but instead, he kept insisting that I had already paid for the pizza and that I was being wildly inappropriate. Whatever. He missed out on the pure paradise of my body strewn with rubbery cheese,” Narah explained.

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Wicked Pissah: Roommate Has Strong Stream
WALSH HALL — Students were disrupted late Sunday night by what reportedly sounded like a firehose from the bathroom of Suite 304. Reports indicate that this was no ordinary tinkle, but instead was categorized by Boston-based experts as a “Wicked Pissah.” The Classic obtained access to reports from the... Read more
16 Signs There’s A Furry Sleeping Next To You

“In front of Gasson, they give what sounds like a deep, guttural bark back at Molly. Actually, it was probably towards her owner. You forgive it immediately.”

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Class of 2019 To Receive Second Commencement

“I just feel like our time at BC came to an end so quickly, and there were so many more things I wanted to do my senior year,” said Josh Layden (MCAS ’19). “I mean, I was just so busy all year having a blast at Mod parties, going to MA’s, hanging out in sizable groups of nine or more, and enjoying all the perks that come with senior year. This second commencement is a great opportunity for all of us to get back on campus together, and make the most of the weekend.”

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Sustainability Pledge: Pee In Your Brita

“I know it may sound like it violates several health codes and personal boundaries, but it’s perfectly clean. I promise your body can provide for you all on its own, if you just expand your mind a little,” said the leader of the rag-tag group of activists, Reese Eichel (MCAS ’23).

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Senior Falls Asleep In Hammock, Awakens As Butterfly

“I’ve got to say, this is certainly not the start to the week I thought I was going to have.”

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Roommate Absolutely Covered In Blood Wants To Know If You Have Tide Stick

Another Iggy 5 resident, Tye Duh (LSOE ‘21), later reported seeing Wonply wandering the hall knocking on doors and screaming, “Ya know Tide to Go? The perfect size for travel? Removes even the toughest stains quick and on the spot?”

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Cancel Culture Comes For Baldwin’s Big Naturals

“Sadly, it has come to my attention that Baldwin’s voluptuous, feathery bazongas have become the subject of criticism,”  Leahy said. “I just want to remind students that acknowledging the positive social and spiritual impact of our mascot’s humongous honkers is a key component to being men and women for others.”

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Uh Oh: Coworker Who Seemed Cool Owns A Ton Of Mickey Mouse Shit

“I didn’t think too much of it when he said we were ‘about to be transported to the Most Magical Place on Earth,’ but then he pulled out this Mickey Mouse-shaped bong. Where the hell did he even get that?”

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