Heartbreaking: We Had A Whole Slate Of Articles Set For This Week But The Associated Press Had To Go And Fuck All That Up

THE NEC NEWSROOM, UNDISCLOSED UNDERGROUND BUNKER — Panic erupted here at The Classic early Wednesday morning, as the terrifying realization dawned on us that the 2024 Presidential Election was already over. Now, we had to throw every single article planned for that week into the goddamn trash. Editors at the Classic watched in horror as several unpublished articles, which we had poured hours of blood, sweat, and tears into, became old, shriveled, and no longer funny right before our very eyes.

But come on, can you really blame us for this? In keeping with the standards of respected news sources from around the nation, we were obviously going to try and milk the screeching, unending nightmare known as American politics for as long as possible. We have bills to pay, man. Running the finest newspaper on campus ain’t cheap. Besides, it took the Associated Press, like, AGES to call the election back in 2020. We here at the Classic were confident that the American electoral system would keep us all in horrible, mind-numbing, unbearable suspense for at least a whole week, just enough time for some more cracks about RFK’s brainworms or your politically ambiguous roommate.

So how were we supposed to know that those stupid, lousy, no-good jerks over at AP would call the race so soon? They could have at least warned us first, like any organization with real journalistic integrity would. Maybe then we would have been able to publish our articles about Father Leahy’s sweep of the electoral map or Donald Trump becoming a Jesuit to run for president of BC. But NOOOOOOOOOO. Those pretentious dopes care more about “facts” and “reporting” than getting a little silly and having a good time.

Those articles were going to be really funny, too. But guess what? Now you’re never going to see them. You’ve got the Associated Press to thank for that.

At press time, editors of the Classic were making plans to escape the country as president-elect Trump continues to promise an end to fake news.

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