Athletes Exchange Scooters For Motorized Barbie Jeeps
Big IssuesFeaturedWTF October 3, 2022 The New England Classic
GASSON QUAD — Following the email from Mr. Evans this morning, athletes all over campus have been feeling distraught and lost without their beloved motorized scooters. Numerous complaints about fatigued legs and shortness of breath have been reported, and people are starting to wonder if the team can rally before this Saturday’s big game against Clemson. That is, until they spotted senior Ken Dahl (CSOM ’23) in his new ride cruising around campus.
Dahl was reported to be seen in a 31-inch motorized Barbie Jeep, cruising at a whopping 5 miles an hour down Linden Lane. Dahl claims, “The email we got this morning only said motorized scooters and motorized skateboards need to be registered with BCPD. Last I checked, a hot pink barbie jeep doesn’t fall into either category.” Dahl continues, “This bad boy also has a sick audio system that can play 6 songs, a trunk to hold my empty backpack, and does NOT have seatbelts, so my adrenaline junkie self is really enjoying the rush it gives.”
Williams Evans, Executive Director of Public Safety and Chief of Police comments, “I have to hand it to him, this kid really did think outside of the box with this shenanigan. Legally speaking, I can’t really stop him because he’s pretty much following the new rules. The ‘car’ is technically compliant with the speed rules and isn’t a scooter or a skateboard. That’s good enough for me.”
Since his sighting on campus, Dahl has sparked a kid’s car revolution, with jeeps of all colors and themes scattered across campus, bringing athletes from one building to the next. At press time, Target reported that they were sold out of all motorized vehicles until further notice.