Liz Cheney Found Searching Through Upper Dorms, Claims To Find Weapons of Mass Destruction
Big IssuesCampus CultureWTF October 28, 2024 The New England Classic
WHEREVER THE OIL IS — Former U.S. Representative Liz Cheney is set to speak at the Council for Women at Boston College Colloquium as part of her national tour to make everyone forget the actions of her father, aptly named former Vice President of the United States and Emperor-elect of Hell Dick Cheney. The event focuses on “contemporary issues through the lens of women’s leadership,” so students have the unique opportunity to hear from a woman whose family and family friends are responsible for a number of contemporary issues.
As Deputy Assistant Secretary of State under the Bush administration, Cheney played a role in the “liberation” of Iraq and its oil. The Council on American-Islamic Relations called Cheney a “torture advocate, anti-Muslim bigot, and warmonger.” The Classic makes no such judgments, but if it looks like shit, smells like shit, and tastes like shit, it’s probably shit.
While this is not the first time that Cheney has been to Boston College, she began her visit with a tour of campus. She spent a considerable amount of time in the Merkert Chemistry Center. Con D’Lisa Rizz (MCAS ’26), who ran into Cheney before her chemistry lab said, “She was very polite but almost too interested in Lynne O’Connell’s treatment of chem students.”
Another student, Gwen Tom Amobae (CSON ’25), said, “I listened to her make a call from a super secret spy shoe phone (as seen in Get Smart) saying, ‘I think I just found the new waterboarding!’” Both students wondered about why Cheney kept asking questions about the “legality” of Prof. Lynne O’Connell’s work.
Cheney’s tour came to a swift end when she was found searching through Cheverus Hall dormitories on Upper Campus. Cheney claimed to have received intelligence suggesting that residents of Cheverus hold weapons of mass destruction with the intention of using them on Lower Campus.
Cole Enpowell (CSOM ’27) came to Cheney’s defense and said, “I heard from a friend who saw on Fizz a screenshot of a Herrd post which was another screenshot of a text message chain between two freshmen about a text that they saw on the 2027 Snapchat class story about an 18+ party that ‘would blow Boston sky high’. That sounds like a weapon of mass destruction to me!”
At press time, Rep. Cheney was seen obtaining the legal rights to Lucifer’s soul.
