Gassy Gasson Renovations, Bells Ring When Someone Passes Gas

GASSON HALL — The fall semester has already brought numerous changes: a successful football team, your ex-situationship being friendly again, the continued rise of Fizz, and more. But one change is more unnerving than the rest: renovations to the Gasson bells.

“This shit stinks!” said Sylent Budedly (MCAS ’26), just one of the students deeply upset by the renovations. Originally set for every quarter of the hour, the bells now ring every time someone passes gas. Even worse, an announcement echoes throughout the halls, sharing the name of who dealt it with the entire campus.

This change has exposed even the quietest of toots in the corner of fourth floor O’Neill. Students rush to leave campus, clenching their farts back until the late afternoon to avoid public humiliation. The Rat now warns students to take their mac ‘n’ cheese to-go, after a recent serving of it caused Gasson to ring for days.

“It was bad,” said Beau Teecheex (CSOM ’28). “I didn’t know it was a thing until I was in Bapst when I tried to rip one out. I thought I could hide it with a cough. Wrong.”

Shockingly, some students enjoy the update. “I know it’s airing everyone out,” said Mai Shistinks (LSEHD ’25), “but now when the gym rat next to me in class smells, the bell kinda tells me if their workout was intense, or if the Core Power is just hitting too hard.”

“It’s not Gass-off, it’s Gass-ON,” said a strangely passionate member of the Dean’s office who wished to remain anonymous. “We as an administration can sense something brewing in the air. These kids won’t realize how bonded they’ll be once they get to know each others’ … habits. It’s just part of Jesuit tradition. It’s what Leahy wanted.”

Us at the Classic have decided to provide you flatulent, less fortunate, students with some resources. The Student Wellness Center hosts a weekly “Gasson Got Me” group for victims affected by the bells. University Health Services is opening drop-in clinics for students struggling to hold it in until after their tightly-packed lecture is over. We urge you to seek help—and, yes, we can smell it from here.

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