Uh Oh! The Professor Whose Class You’re Failing Sat Next to You in the Sauna!
Big IssuesWTF October 7, 2024 The New England Classic
STEAMY PLEX LOCKER ROOM – For most, the Plex is the one place at the end of the day where students can forget about and escape from the stresses school, whether that be disappointing your parents, bombing your midterms, or trying to get over the TA that totally wants you and just doesn’t realize it yet. That was until a student encountered his worst nightmare in his one place of solace on campus.
“I was finishing up with my favorite part of the day, in the sauna in my Fruit of the Looms blasting Drake out of my JBL Flip 4 Waterproof Portable Bluetooth Speaker,” said Jim Goherr (CSOM ‘27). “But then–lurking from the shadows, my financial accounting professor [Bill Incesheet (CSOM ‘88)] situated his half-naked ass next to me, fresh off a cold call in class, to which I responded with a stuttered mumble and some lightly shat pants.”
Goherr’s inability to grasp the concepts of the curriculum was seen Friday morning when he responded to Incesheet’s prompt, “How do the three financial statements connect?” with an insightful, yet confused, “Buy low, sell high.”
Goherr knew the intimate setting was his chance to redeem himself from his inability to distinguish his balance sheets from his income statements. With sweat dripping down his deltoids, desperation in his voice, and a dipping GPA on the line, he struck up a conversation with his bare-chested professor.
“I knew I had to lay down the piping charm if I wanted to protect my orifices from being shafted by the CSOM curve,” Goherr said., “So I said some things that I’m not proud of.”
The New England Classic caught up with the tenured accounting professor to analyze Goherr’s sauna performance.
“[Goherr] immediately asked me if I’d been debiting my protein and crediting my sugar intake,” said Incesheet. “He said something about wanting to ‘explore each other’s regulatory bodies.’ Then he told me my muscles looked like they’d never depreciate over the lifetime of the project. While I appreciated the touching words, I had to report it to administration.”
Goherr withdrew from the course the next morning.
