Uh-oh! Turns Out We’re Playing A FAKE School In Hockey Tonight
SportsWTF November 22, 2024 The New England Classic
HUSKIES, SIZE MEDIUMS, SIZE SMALLS — As BC prepares to face off against Northeastern in hockey, the Classic sent an intrepid journalistic envoy to explore the “school’s” supposed “campus.” In a shocking discovery, “Northeastern” was a total facade.
An artificially deflated admissions rate is just the tip of the iceberg for the alleged school. Experts have compared Northeastern’s academic buildings to the North Korean propaganda towns on the South Korean border, where they place little fat kids holding lollipops to cover up human rights abuses.
“When we went into the library only the shelves by the windows were full of books,” said Classic investigative reporter Rob Purter (MCAS ‘25), “and when we read them, every book just contained the script of the Truman Show.”
When Purter called the school’s athletics office to confirm tonight’s lines, he was met with an answering machine looking for inquiries into the disappearance of D.B. Cooper.
On Saturdays during the fall, alleged Northeastern students were seen playing with a hoop-and-stick in a measly attempt to emulate a football tailgate. The New England Classic can confirm reports that Northeastern is attempting to field a football team modeled after Bishop Sycamore High School.
The farther Purter went up from the ground floor in the “academic” “buildings”, the faker things became. The biology department door fell down when Purter knocked on it, and inside was just a big warehouse filled with BC rejection letters. There was also a plastic skeleton with a sticky note that said ‘Professor Bones.’
“It was an uneasy experience,” said Purter. “I found a few ‘students,’ and they tried to run from me, but at the Classic, we chase the truth at all costs. All they could tell me was, ‘Not having enough housing is actually a blessing because then I could immerse myself in an eye-opening, diverse semester abroad at Northeastern University of London.’”
A few students said “Northwestern” before correcting to the fourth-tier ordinal direction.
When Purter found a list of professors, all the names were puns: Professor Ellie Ment in Chemistry and Professor Dev Izion, PhD, in Math. What kind of freaks would make a fake name like that?
When Purter walked through campus, he heard the same eerie statements being played on speakers throughout campus: “The co-op program has been very beneficial for my career development;” “As a proud Marxist, anarchist, and BC reject, Northeastern has been very welcoming and equitable;” and “I enjoy the hustle and bustle of Northeastern’s urban environment that also captures the charm of a small, rural university.”
At press time, ”Northeastern’s” “President” was seen refusing questions before walking off into an “urgent meeting” in a conference room that was clearly full of mannequins. 
