Tragic: Student Finished With Midterms Has Nothing Left To Rant About
SchoolStudent Life November 6, 2017
MAIN CAMPUS — After two weeks of pure exam-fueled hell, Arnold Wilson (MCAS ‘20) has declared he has nothing left to complain about. The announcement follows his completion of the Principles of Microeconomics midterm exam, the last in a string of horrific assessments. Friends of Wilson have made their... Read more
Guy Who Has Had Sex Twice In Three Years Doesn’t Want To Be Exclusive
SexStudent Life November 5, 2017
CORCORAN COMMONS — Ariana Sommariva (CSON ‘20) was spotted tearing up over a Lower Live omelette Sunday morning, likely in response to the emotional trauma caused by casual romantic partner John Gilmore (CSOM ‘19). When asked about her condition, Sommariva explained that despite their several romantic dates to El... Read more
BC Bubble Boy Contracts Flesh Eating Bacteria On The Green Line
BostonFreshmenStudent Life October 24, 2017
ST. ELIZABETH’S MEDICAL CENTER — One Boston College sophomore remains in critical condition today after contracting a deadly strain of bacteria on the B Line this past weekend. The student, identified only as “Ben,” was reportedly just “trying to see what’s off campus” and “break the BC bubble” when... Read more
SnapMap Update Tells You If You’ve Got Time For A Yank
SexStudent Life October 20, 2017
PALO ALTO, CA — Popular photo-sharing app Snapchat rolled out an update today allowing its “SnapMap” feature to tell you if it’s safe to jerk off before your roommate gets home. Evan Spiegel, founder and CEO of Snapchat, says the new update “completely revolutionizes modern GPS-tracking software,” adding that... Read more
Overeager Freshman Uses Ambulance Transport As Valuable Pre-Med Networking Opportunity
FreshmenStudent Life October 19, 2017
ST. ELIZABETH’S MEDICAL CENTER — Freshman pre-medical student Calvin Morris (MCAS ‘21), both working hard and partying harder, successfully expanded his professional network last weekend from the back of a Fallon Ambulance located outside of Keyes North. Morris, drifting in and out of consciousness, gained valuable insights from the... Read more
Old Dude In Rat Really Going In On Hot Dog
Student Life October 18, 2017
WELCH DINING ROOM — Some fuckin’ old dude was seen absolutely demolishing a hot dog while sitting alone in the Rat Wednesday, eyewitnesses report. Several accounts alleged that the elderly fiend was actually on his second one of the day, too. “Holy shit, that dude was insane,” said Pat Rack... Read more
Study Finds Every Intramural Soccer Player Actually Same White Guy Cloned
SportsStudent Life October 15, 2017
ALUMNI STADIUM — A recent study conducted by NASA has found that every intramural soccer player at Boston College is actually a clone of one student, who scientists have identified as sophomore John Roberts (MCAS ‘20) from Connecticut. Upon learning this information, 86% of the BC student body responded,... Read more
OPINION: Senior Five Lists Are A Shallow And Immature Concept, And Why The FUCK Am I Not On One Yet?
OpinionSexStudent Life October 12, 2017
Before I begin, let me be clear about one thing: I have NO problem with the concept of premarital sex. In fact, I myself would LOVE to partake in it someday. But making a list of the top five people you want to have sexual relations with before graduation and... Read more
MCELROY COMMONS — After a 7 AM session of sunrise yoga and a few lengthy spins around the Labyrinth, Perspectives major Leonard Stroll (MCAS ’20) was sighted crossing the street in front of Mac at a turtle’s pace, lollygagging about and generally doing what eyewitnesses described as “absolutely nothing.”... Read more
Reservoir Geese Appalled By Couple Making Out On Bench
Student Life October 9, 2017
CHESTNUT HILL RESERVOIR — In a surprise public statement released on Monday, the head goose of the Reservoir Waterfowl Flock expressed his dismay at the lewd actions that regularly occur on reservoir benches. According to the spokesbird, the most recent incident took place on Saturday night, shortly after a... Read more