The New England Classic
Professor Spent Snow Day Worrying About Students Fucking
CHESTNUT HILL, MA — Driven by the thought of all the opportunities kids were having to copulate, Professor Harry Bonin spent most of his day off on Tuesday in a state of complete distraction. The elderly philosophy professor, who has long taken a firm stance against college hookup cultures,... Read more
Social Degenerate Sits Down 2 Seats Away From Strangers In The Rat
LYONS HALL — Mass hysteria broke out in The Rat last Thursday afternoon when Reggie Euler (MCAS ‘20) paid for his meal, grabbed a few napkins, and proceeded to sit down at the empty corner of an otherwise occupied table. Apparently oblivious to clearly established social norms, Euler then... Read more
Junior Receiving College Credit For Four Month Vacation
SOMEWHERE IN EUROPE— Boston College study abroad student Elena Olson (MCAS ‘18) will reportedly receive a full semester of credit for taking a four month vacation, filled with excursions to historic landmarks, museums and picturesque scenery, along with lots of yummy food and long nights of partying. “I’m not... Read more
“Everything’s Good, You?” Reports Hometown Friend
YOUR HOMETOWN — In a 10-minute text message exchange held Tuesday afternoon, it was confirmed that “everything” with your hometown friend Ryan was “good, you?” While he confirmed that “classes sucked,” your pal from high school was keen to note that his workload this semester “wasn’t too bad” and... Read more
Purveyor Of High Culture Spends Afternoon At MFA
MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS, BOSTON — Speaking to a mob of reporters while walking down the museum’s front steps, sophomore Paula Monay (MCAS ‘19) confirmed the rumors that she had indeed spent her Sunday afternoon looking at some of the finest art Boston has to offer. “The Frida Khalo... Read more
UGBC Presidential Candidate Found To Have Dangerously Close Ties To Student Government Of Moscow State University
CARNEY HALL — Coming at the end of what has been an especially caustic and divisive UGBC election, there has been a significant increase in gossip around campus about the candidates. Most notably, a vast majority of these rumors point to current presidential frontrunner Peter Volkov (LSOE ‘17) having uncomfortably... Read more
“Eat, Drink, Talk, Kink”: Lower Unveils BDSM-Themed Valentine’s Menu
KINKERAN COMMONS — Going against hundreds of years of rigid Church doctrine, Boston College Dining Services cooked up some controversy on Tuesday morning by announcing a special menu for Valentine’s Day. Catering to the most heathenous members of the BC community, the aptly named “Eat, Drink, Talk, Kink” program will... Read more
“Everyone’s Sick Cause Everyone’s Kissin’,” Reports University Health Services
2150 COMMONWEALTH AVENUE — Noting a drastic increase in students with cold and flu symptoms in the past week, University Health Services performed an extensive data analysis and came to the conclusion that “everyone’s sick cause everyone’s kissin’.” Laboratory tests on samples from several infected people confirmed what health... Read more
Boston College Promises To Provide Students Sanctuary From Snow, No Word Yet About White Nationalist US Administration
MALONEY PRESIDENTIAL SUITE — Taking advantage of yesterday’s snow day for some much-needed personal time, University President Rev. William P. Leahy, S.J., sat down with several members of the press to affirm Boston College’s commitment to keeping its students safe from the weather, but not the white nationalists passing... Read more
Plex Employee With Spotify Premium To Headline Hutapalooza
NEWTON, MA — The Boston College Campus Activities Board announced Friday morning that the headliner for this year’s Hutapalooza, a new concert held at the Quonset Hut on Newton Campus, will be a Plex Employee with Spotify Premium. This up-and-coming yet secretive DJ is a cult hit in certain... Read more