The New England Classic
OPINION: BC Football May Be Ranked, But They’ll Never Be Better Than The 1986 New York Mets
By  Michael Prisciantelli (Class of  1982) Superfans of all shapes, sizes, and median annual incomes were given reason to rejoice this weekend as Boston College was ranked one of the nation’s top 25 college football teams for the first time since 2008. After 10 long years, the Eagles will... Read more
AJ Dillon Hired To Break Up Cheesesteak Line
LOWER LIVE — After weeks of intense pressure from student groups and BC Dining staff, Boston College has reportedly settled on a solution for battling the increasingly long lines at Corcoran Commons. “Basically, we’re just gonna have AJ pound the shit out of each line about halfway down, and... Read more
9/11 Moved To October 26th To Accommodate Red Bandana Game
ST. MARY’S HALL — Despite widespread criticism from students, faculty, and alumni, Boston College went forward on Monday with its decision to change the date of 9/11 to October 26th, the date of the annual “Red Bandana” football game. The “Red Bandana” game, which celebrates the heroic actions of... Read more
Addazio Misses Full Week Of Practice After Rewatching UMass Highlights For Past 120 Hours
ALUMNI STADIUM — It was reported early Friday morning that Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio missed five consecutive practices this week after locking himself in his office and watching the official highlight tape of last Saturday’s Boston College-UMass game – in which BC annihilated its opponent 55-21... Read more
Ky Bowman To Return To BC To Finish Natural Science Core
CHESTNUT HILL – Boston College star point guard Kyran “Ky” Bowman (MCAS ’19?) announced he will not enter the NBA Draft and will instead return to the Heights for his junior year. Many draft experts were concerned that Bowman could not make it in the NBA due to his... Read more
Personal, National Tragedies Great For Ticket Sales, Reports BC Athletics Marketing Team
YAWKEY ATHLETIC CENTER — The marketing division of Boston College Athletics released a new report Friday, outlining a recently discovered phenomenon: deeply emotional tragedies can easily be co-opted into fun gameday themes in order to drastically increase ticket sales. This strategy has been proven successful only when used on... Read more
Pasta Prankster Replaces Crew Team’s Oars With Long Strands Of Spaghetti
CHARLES RIVER — Upon unloading their boats for the 2017 Head of the Charles Regatta early Sunday morning, the Boston College men’s crew team discovered that all of their oars had been replaced with large pieces of uncooked spaghetti. Unable to locate the pro-pasta prankster, the team was forced... Read more
Study Finds Every Intramural Soccer Player Actually Same White Guy Cloned
ALUMNI STADIUM — A recent study conducted by NASA has found that every intramural soccer player at Boston College is actually a clone of one student, who scientists have identified as sophomore John Roberts (MCAS ‘20) from Connecticut. Upon learning this information, 86% of the BC student body responded,... Read more
Jesuits Plan “Holy War” Tailgate Ahead of Notre Dame Game
ST. MARY’S LAWN — A group of Jesuit priests are preparing to host the “tailgate of the millennium” to coincide with Saturday’s Holy War football game against Notre Dame, Boston College’s long-standing rival Jesuit institution. Initial reports suggested that the clergymen had set up a large charcoal grill and... Read more
Sophomore Guy’s Masculinity Hanging On By Thread Of Embroidered Club Sports Patagonia
THE RAT — After an exhausting semester that consisted of seemingly letdown after letdown, Dan Wellington’s (MCAS ’19) masculinity was reportedly entirely dependent on his embroidered Boston College Men’s Crew Patagonia Snap-T. “I still don’t have a summer internship, I realized I don’t want to be friends with my... Read more