Op-Ed: A Perfectly Normal Day
Campus CultureSchool October 15, 2020
Happy Thursday, October 15, Boston College! Boy, isn’t today normal? The first thing I did after getting out of bed was brush my teeth with a little Colgate®️ Optic White toothpaste. Then, I took my morning shower and changed into a casual outfit. To finish off my morning routine,... Read more
New Perspectives Curriculum Concludes Highest Achievable Good Is The WHOPPER Jr.®️
Campus CultureFreshmenSchoolSexStudent Life October 8, 2020
STOKES NORTH — In a jarring series of events, Professor Kerry Cronin rewrote thirty years of Perspectives curriculum after a revelation came to her in a dream. After her weekly Thursday night ritual of picking up a WHOPPER Jr.®️ and a large order of Burger King’s famous chicken fries... Read more
Records Reveal Boston College Has Paid $0 In Income Tax For 150 Years
Big IssuesLeahySchoolWTF September 29, 2020
LINDEN LANE — Owing to an anonymous source, The Classic has obtained Boston College’s tax records dating back to the early 1870s, giving the clearest picture of the University’s finances to date and revealing centuries of chronic tax evasion and seemingly complete impunity from the United States’ tax code.... Read more
Top Ten Campus Spots To Cover Your Little Head And Submit To The Infinite Sadness
SchoolStudent Life September 15, 2020
Wondering where you can just let the waterworks flow at Boston College? Are you a first-year student who has yet to burst into tears in public? Are you a returning Eagle in need of a new sob spot? Does the crushing weight of your inherited, generational misery weigh upon... Read more
I should have been an emergency fire exit in Higgins, or a reflection room door on Newton campus. A sane man would have put me anywhere else. Instead, I am the Super Tiny Door Into Eagles. The tastiest licks in all of BC lie behind my hinges: soup with... Read more
O’Neill Answer Wall Diagnosed With Alzheimer’s
Campus CultureSchoolWTF February 24, 2020
ST. ELIZABETH’S HOSPITAL — Following months of intensive consultations, representatives of the Thomas P. O’Neill estate announced on Monday that the famed O’Neill Library Answer Wall, which has been candidly answering anonymous questions since 2017, had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease. “We were deeply saddened when we received the... Read more
Falling Hydro Flask Most Outspoken Member Of Lecture
SchoolStudent Life February 20, 2020
MCGUINN HALL — In Tuesday’s Globalization II lecture, a 32-oz Hydro Flask officially became the class’s most outspoken participant when it toppled off a desk and hit the ground with a “CLANK!” that echoed throughout the room. The Hydro Flask, belonging to Linda Pound (MCAS ’21), reportedly was the... Read more
Future Doctor Has No Qualms About Peeing On Toilet Seat
Dorm StuffSchool February 12, 2020
RADNOR ROAD — Sources have confirmed that Colin Egesta (MCAS ’21), who is on the pre-med track and intends to pursue a career as a doctor, doesn’t see anything wrong with the fact that he habitually pees on the toilet seat. Egesta’s housemates told The Classic that, although he... Read more
8 Things UGBC Candidates Aren’t Talking About
Big IssuesSchool February 4, 2020
With UGBC presidential elections coming up fast, the candidates have still not addressed the questions that we really care about, so we’ve compiled this list of topics and questions that we think the candidates have egregiously overlooked. 1) The destruction of the Meatball Obsession Stand. A year later, we... Read more
O’NEILL LIBRARY — Boston College Libraries introduced a new space for students in the Carroll School of Management in which they can peruse children’s books on days when they don’t have homework, which is most days. The new room on the fifth floor of the library, called the Profit... Read more