The New England Classic
Career Fair Rigged Against Humanities Major
CORCORAN COMMONS — After circling the bustling Heights Room during the Spring Career Fair several times, sophomore English major Hannah Ping came to the realization that the Fair had been deliberately and purposefully planned to not help her internship search at all. “This is ridiculous!” cried Ping, who is currently... Read more
OPINION: There Will Be No Technology Allowed In My Classroom, Except For These Bop-Its
Hello, class. Welcome to your first day of Postcolonial Gender Dynamics In Western Society! As all of you are upperclassmen, I won’t waste time by going over every last sentence on the syllabus—I expect you to have done that on your own time. However, there are a couple of... Read more
Student Shocked To Learn ‘They Didn’t Have Cell Phones Back Then, Class’
STOKES SOUTH — In an incident that would leave them speechless, students in the 1:00PM section of HIST1169 Atlantic Worlds were reportedly “shocked to the innermost part of their being” when their professor revealed that “they didn’t have cell phones back then.” The students’ mind-blowing paradigm shift was only... Read more
Guy Who Just Said ‘And Also With You’ Clearly Hasn’t Done This In A While
O’Neill Plaza Church — While at Mass of the Holy Spirit, a tradition at the beginning of the school year for Jesuit high schools and universities throughout the world, junior Shane McCarthy (CSOM ’18) uttered the words “and also with you” in response to Father Leahy’s “peace be with... Read more
BC Places 1% of Freshmen on Georgia State’s Newton Campus
NEWTON CAMPUS — It’s early August, and that means that first year housing assignments are now live! For the many freshmen who have been placed on Upper campus, this is a time for celebration—a computer system has randomly decided to make you cool. No, seriously, it’s as simple as... Read more
Professor Brings Food On Last Day Of Class To Fatten Her Calves Before Slaughter
STOKES HALL — Wearing a devilish grin that only she knew the true meaning behind, English professor Sheila Brownstone brought three dozen donuts from Dunkin to her final Studies in Narrative class on Thursday at 10:30 AM. While her students think that Professor Brownstone is “just the sweetest,” others... Read more
Temporary Outage in Gasson Lighting Causes BC to Plummet in College Rankings
LINDEN LANE —In an unexpected turn of events, U.S. News & World Report announced that Boston College has dropped 16 spots in its highly-regarded ranking of national universities. Although the Washington D.C.-based news outlet typically updates its list only once a year in September, U.S. News spokesperson Darby Trary... Read more
Econ Major Is Basically In CSOM, Okay?
NOT FULTON — Sitting in Devlin 008 during Environmental Geoscience and updating his resume and LinkedIn profile while searching for summer internships on Wall Street, sophomore Devin Gattison (MCAS ‘18) firmly reminded himself that he’s basically in CSOM, okay? Gattison, who deeply regrets not applying to be in CSOM... Read more
Student Sits In Different Seat Third Week Of Class, Disrupts Space-Time Continuum
STOKES 113S — Reportedly thinking that she was just going to casually change things up a bit, Allison Linus (MCAS ‘19) accidentally caused a catastrophic disruption to the space-time continuum Tuesday afternoon when she sat in a different seat than she had been sitting in during the first two weeks... Read more
Lazy Bastard Only Has One Major
Apparently unaware that it’s possible to have two majors and a minor, Ed Stillman (MCAS ‘17) reportedly only has one major—philosophy—and isn’t planning on adding another anytime soon. “We’re worried about poor Ed and his apparent apathy for his own well being,” said his friend Tommy Flapjacks (MCAS ‘17),... Read more