SPOOKY: Turtleneck Hides Vampire Bite

ST. MARY’S HALL — The Jesuit community, in combination with University Health Services, is scrambling this morning as it tries to track down a wave of vampire attacks on campus. The efforts to curb the transformations is complicated by the rise of sweater weather, which has turtlenecks hiding the telltale bite marks.

The outbreak began a few weeks ago with the beginning of the new lunar cycle, according to supernatural scholars. “We are very concerned by these latest developments,” said Fr. Donald Callahan. “While the number of infected students is still relatively low, that is more of a sign of the lack of virgins on campus, which is equally troubling.”

Some students seem unaffected by the reports. “I think it’s fine,” reported Drake Cula (MCAS ‘23). “Most of us don’t leave our rooms in the daylight anyways, at least if we got lucky picking our schedules. Plus, you can’t blame the vampires for capitalizing on girls busting out the fall fits.” Cula went on to talk about the “seductive” and “powerful” ways of the Transylvanian transplants, before running his tongue over his teeth and walking away with a flutter of his cape.

At press time, Jesuits were seen inspecting students in the testing lines while UHS accepted a shipment of wooden stakes and crucifixes.

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