The New England Classic
Tragic: Student Finished With Midterms Has Nothing Left To Rant About
MAIN CAMPUS — After two weeks of pure exam-fueled hell, Arnold Wilson (MCAS ‘20) has declared he has nothing left to complain about. The announcement follows his completion of the Principles of Microeconomics midterm exam, the last in a string of horrific assessments. Friends of Wilson have made their... Read more
Professor Struggling To Find Anything To Agree With In Student’s Response
DEVLIN HALL — On Tuesday, students in the 10:30 AM section of Europe in the World looked on helplessly as Henry van Cumberbund (CSOM ‘20) provided what may have been the absolute worst possible answer to a question about the causes of World War II. After Professor Laura Bourke... Read more
4 Students Die Of Dysentery On Journey For Empty Classroom To Study In
STOKES SOUTH — Tragedy struck a group of 4 Boston College sophomores this afternoon, who all died of dysentery on the long and arduous journey in search of an empty classroom for their group to study in. The group set out on their quest with nothing but their books... Read more
Professor With Doctorate Can’t Rotate PDF Documents
BOSTONCOLLEGE.INSTRUCTURE.COM — Uploading documents to her class’ Canvas page, Professor Sheela McGuire, could not figure out how to rotate the PDF documents of readings she assigned her Gender & Sexuality class to do. As a result, the frustrated professor reportedly uploaded the documents sideways. “Uhh… my students should be... Read more
Group Project Member Can’t Meet At That Time
CHESTNUT HILL — Citing a variety of reasons why it just wouldn’t work for her, group project member Carrie Massie (MCAS ‘19) announced Tuesday morning that she simply couldn’t meet at the nearly unanimously agreed-upon time. “Sorry guys, but that’s just no good for me,” Massie messaged in the... Read more
“I love my family and going to the movies,” Reports Intermediate Italian Student
LYONS HALL — Raising her hand for the first time in weeks, sophomore Katie Moskovitz (MCAS ‘19) informed her Intermediate Italian class Wednesday afternoon that she reportedly loved her “family and going to the movies.” Sources confirmed that her proclamation seemed credible, citing previous statements given by Moskovitz which suggested... Read more
Harvard Reject In Honors Program Not Bitter About It Anymore, Alright?
MEDEIROS C — Venturing out from her achievement-laden dorm room, freshman Sammy Laude (MCAS ‘20) announced today that she has finally gotten over her rejection from Harvard University. An alumna of an elite New England preparatory school, the Lexington, MA native explained that she had been quietly struggling with feelings... Read more
UGBC Presidential Candidate Found To Have Dangerously Close Ties To Student Government Of Moscow State University
CARNEY HALL — Coming at the end of what has been an especially caustic and divisive UGBC election, there has been a significant increase in gossip around campus about the candidates. Most notably, a vast majority of these rumors point to current presidential frontrunner Peter Volkov (LSOE ‘17) having uncomfortably... Read more
Boston College Promises To Provide Students Sanctuary From Snow, No Word Yet About White Nationalist US Administration
MALONEY PRESIDENTIAL SUITE — Taking advantage of yesterday’s snow day for some much-needed personal time, University President Rev. William P. Leahy, S.J., sat down with several members of the press to affirm Boston College’s commitment to keeping its students safe from the weather, but not the white nationalists passing... Read more
Plex Employee With Spotify Premium To Headline Hutapalooza
NEWTON, MA — The Boston College Campus Activities Board announced Friday morning that the headliner for this year’s Hutapalooza, a new concert held at the Quonset Hut on Newton Campus, will be a Plex Employee with Spotify Premium. This up-and-coming yet secretive DJ is a cult hit in certain... Read more