Uh Oh! This Born And Raised New Yorker Is About To Tell The Class What They Think Of The South…
Campus CultureSchool September 14, 2023 The New England Classic
245 BEACON STREET — Conversation. Collaboration. Growth. Interdisciplinary. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Buzz words serve as decorative fibs on your resumé, boasting skills, and competencies you heard once in a lecture. That’s what we pay the big bucks for here at Boston College. With a resumé boasting Boston College in the header, and “Curious, Creative, Complex” in the subtitle, you should be ready to take on the world. And one student is.
Shelly Turd (MCAS ‘26), in the first two weeks of an introductory level course, solved one of the most historically complex enduring political issues. What’s up with the South, you may ask? Turd has all the answers.
“I just think the South is sooooooo sad. They have such a limited worldview down there. You just hate to see it. Truly tragic. Honestly if it’s below Washington D.C, we should just cut it out of the United States. Especially Texas,” Turd proudly proclaimed to the class.
Turd, of course, hailed from The Big Apple. She spent the first 18 years of her life in Manhattan before coming to Boston College.
Turd reports to the Classic “Once I graduate, I have full intention of moving to the true mixing pot of America: Brooklyn, NY. I’ve never been anywhere near the Mason-Dixon Line, and I have no intention of coming close to it, or the poverty line while I’m at it.”
When asked about the reality of major metropolitan life in Southern States, Turd questioned the possibility of these “cities” asking, “What about all the farm animals, do they live in these so-called ‘cities’ too? And do the people get around by foot or horse on the streets?”
At press time, Turd’s polished resumé was gleaned on with adoration by none other than Fr. Leahy, who was impressed by her “traditionally and faithfully grounded” application for his Student Intern Speech Writer position. 
