“Rise and grind,” I whisper under my breath. It’s Wednesday. Hump Day.
Every morning, I wake up and throw on my gray Patagonia vest and Sperrys, and then shotgun a White Claw. Most people opt for a ginger immunity shot or even a glass of water these days, but that’s pretty fucking beta if you ask me. I scroll through the Morning Brew to further quench my thirst for markets.
After taking an Eagle Escort from the Mods to Fulton, I pay my daily respects to the Jordan Belfort shrine in Dean Sullivan’s office. A true American hero. Strutting my way down the halls, I can’t help but pity the people with Airpods on leashes around me.
My first class of the day is Fįńäñčē 101, taught by the highly esteemed Professor Cher Holder. For the next seventy-five minutes, I strategically paraphrase other students’ thoughts to create the illusion of a meaningful contribution: “To piggyback off of Chad, I agree that child labor does, in fact, build character, as evidenced by the Portico mentees who complete my Marketing Principles homework every day.” A couple of other highly successful phrases I’ve coined are “to backflip off of that point” and “to buttfuck that idea.”
Afterward, I head to CSOM’s newest Cultural Diversity Core class, Organizational Behavior, where I fearlessly lead two of my future secretaries to complete a group project on workplace harassment. … I think? I honestly can’t remember what happened.
I then go to Eagle’s Nest for lunch—don’t be fooled, though, I don’t order anything from there. After investing $19,000 from my tax-exempt Cayman Islands trust fund, I’ve managed to make a whopping $3 profit off of Tesla stock. I always reiterate the importance of supporting White small biz owners, so I Postmates some Sweetgreen. For the next hour, I go ham on establishing my 500+ connections on LinkedIn—the primary determinant of my self-worth. It’s also my second-choice dating app, surpassed only by Christian Mingle.
In the afternoon, I spend some time filling out at the Plex, as the many ups and downs of life are what I like to call “squats.” I haze some of my underground frat recruits, and heck, I might even email my second cousin (twice removed) working at Goldman Sachs’ Human Resources department in Salt Lake City. He was also an Alpha Sigma Kappa Gamma Phi at Boston College, and I intend to follow directly in his footsteps.
At some point, I decide to invite my girlfriend over to my Mod (she doesn’t know about our open relationship yet). I put my networking calls on speakerphone while we’re hanging out. What can I say? It’s my favorite version of foreplay. We follow that with a full 58 seconds of cardio. Wowzers! She makes me a sandwich after, of course. This ego won’t feed itself.
And for the third time that week, I end the day by falling asleep to the sweet, rich sound of Bank Week lectures. Before my head finally hits the pillow, I recite, “Another day, another dollar.”
– Brad Vanderslice, CSOM ‘22