Professor Asks “Just The Ugly Kids” To Mask Up In Class
MCGUINN HALL—Students expressed widespread indignation Monday when Prof. Patrick Lanzoni requested “just the ugly kids” in his Globalization I class wear masks. The announcement came after Lanzoni lamented seeing “atrocious acne” and “a severe lack of smokeshows” for 2 weeks.
While outfits and beauty standards had quietly declined in the 10am History core class, most would attribute this to the growing pains of a new semester. After a stretch of early wakeups and misguided Thirsty Thursday escapades, students gave themselves less time to get ready and more leeway with how they looked for the 40+ person lecture. Still, there were numerous reports of distractingly clashing outfits, embarrassingly casual attire, and halitosis making breakout discussions unbearable. This, along with his own personal beauty standards, is what compelled Prof. Lanzoni to institute the new class policy.
Lanzoni, who hasn’t been to a gym in at least five years, felt he was being objective in his assessment of and response to his students’ unfortunate appearances. “I just want them to know that we have high standards here at Boston College,” Lanzoni said. “If you want to roll into class looking half dead with no makeup or a baseball hat hiding bedhead, you have to be prepared to accept the consequences.”
Students were less than thrilled with the new standards. “This is bullshit,” said Kelly McClintock (MCAS ‘24). “I have one day where I didn’t prepare my outfit and morning routine the night before and all of a sudden I have to hide my face? This is yet another example of BC’s toxic environment being forced on its students.” McClintock was clear in her disapproval of Prof. Lanzoni’s new classroom rules, though her tone softened a bit when he walked by and said, “Oh no, you’re fine.”
At press time, Lanzoni was seen punching up his Mongol jokes while marking up his seating chart with a “Hot or Not” rating out of 10 for each student.