The New England Classic
Embarrassed Psych Major Didn’t Do Palm Reading For Today

“Franklin declined to give The Classic any comment. Efforts to reach out to her third eye were unsuccessful as well.”

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Best Birthday Present Ever? Agora Is Making You Change Your Password!
Holy shit, it’s your birthday! You’re another year older, and BC knows the most thrilling way for you to celebrate. A nice dinner with your friends and family? Humbug! A card from grandma? Phooey! These gifts are nothing compared to the gift Agora is giving you this year –... Read more
Pigs Running Loose In Walsh After Student Sets Pigs Loose In Walsh
WALSH HALL — It was reported around 9:45 PM on Tuesday that at least three pigs were running through the halls of the fifth floor of Walsh Hall. It was unclear where the pigs had come from or why they were there. The Boston College Police Department (BCPD) was... Read more
English Major Demoted To English Captain
STOKES SOUTH — This past Friday, the Boston College Academic Review Board found Brigham O’Brennan (MCAS ‘21) guilty of gross academic misconduct after a week-long investigation. Rather than place him on academic probation, the Board demoted the sophomore from English major to English captain. As an English captain, O’Brennan’s... Read more
Weird: My Roommate Gets An Allowance From His Parents, But Still Wants Me To Pay Him Back For Stealing His Ketamine
Sources close to my roommate, Alex Milford (CSOM ’21), have reported that his parents, Jane (CSOM ’93) and Lawrence Milford (MCAS ’94) give him a monthly allowance. This information brings into question Milford’s recent assertion that he needed me to pay him back for the ketamine I stole from... Read more
Athletics Raises $150 Million Selling Knives

“You know, when the CutCo division of Vector reached out and told us we could make up to $18.50 an hour with a flexible schedule and great co-workers, we were definitely hesitant,” noted Jarmond. “But once we got every single athletics employee running the phones, calling friends and distant cousins, the results really spoke for themselves.”

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EagleKink Released To Connect Campus Freaks
BOSTON COLLEGE CAREER CENTER — Late last Sunday evening, Boston College administrators introduced EagleKink to the student body, a new extension of popular LinkedIn alternative EagleLink. According to sources, this new software acts as a campus-wide social networking site aimed at connecting students with others interested in alternative sexual... Read more
Introducing… SandwichBot3000!
After months of development, The NEC is finally debuting our new artificial intelligence technology SandwichBot3000, an automated content generating system capable of writing humor articles even faster than before! We are still working out a few bugs, but we’re confident we’ll have a fully automated writing staff by 2024.... Read more