Jerry York Really Just 1300 Peppermint Patties In A Human Suit
KELLEY RINK — Thursday night left the Boston College student body with quite a delicious taste in their mouths after whistleblowers released inside information that Jerry York, famed Boston College Hockey coach, is really just 1300 York Peppermint Patties in a human suit.
“It makes so much sense! I knew there had to be a clue in there somewhere so I started rearranging the letters of his name. K-O-R-Y, O-R-K-Y, R-O-Y-K, and when I finally landed on Y-O-R-K, EUREKA” said Drew Helleson (Hockey Team ’23).
As the season ramps up, the team is trying to stay focused on pucks, sticks, and everything in between but it seems hard to skate around the real tension that is growing amongst the staff and players. Some staff members have been arguing that being made of chocolate makes you unqualified to coach a premier Division I hockey program, yet the players seem to be attracted to his unique method.
“I honestly thought it was kinda cool when he spit those yummy peppermint patties out of the suit’s opening to the players like a baby bird whenever they did something good,” said Shooter LaPuck (CSOM ’24) “that’s how he got the nickname Jerry Storky Yorky.”
Things had been quite suspicious with him imploring recruits that playing for the Eagles felt like they were on a “frozen mountaintop” and having practice pucks with a decadent chocolate exterior and a sugary, peppermint inside.
At press time, York was unavailable for comment as he was zipping himself back up overflowing with shimmering silver wrappers.