The New England Classic
Cancel Culture Comes For Baldwin’s Big Naturals

Cancel Culture Comes For Baldwin’s Big Naturals

Big IssuesSportsWTF March 15, 2021 The New England Classic

“Sadly, it has come to my attention that Baldwin’s voluptuous, feathery bazongas have become the subject of criticism,”  Leahy said. “I just want to... Cancel Culture Comes For Baldwin’s Big Naturals

CONTE FORUM — As the social reform movement of the twenty-first century continues to swell, a localized incident of so-called “cancel culture” has ignited tensions at Boston College. Furries and “Turning Point Boston College” members alike were distraught at the news that Baldwin the Eagle, the university’s cherished mascot, will be redesigned. Baldwin’s signature look, a busty crop top and jorts, are to be traded in for more modest attire that covers up the beloved bird’s natural curves and glorious cans.

University President Fr. William P. Leahy, S.J, promptly issued a statement regarding the tragic state of affairs.

“Sadly, it has come to my attention that Baldwin’s voluptuous, feathery bazongas have become the subject of criticism,”  Leahy said. “I just want to remind students that acknowledging the positive social and spiritual impact of our mascot’s humongous honkers is a key component to being men and women for others.”

Some students were content with this decision, and are excited for Baldwin’s new look. “I am just so proud of Boston College for doing the right thing,” said Ashley Westing (MCAS ‘23). “This is the change we have been waiting for.” 

 Other students were not so enthusiastic and lamented the loss of Baldwin’s big, bad badoinks.

“If we let them take our mascot’s knockers, what’s next? The upper turkeys’ curvaceous necks? The Archangel Michael statue’s rippling triceps?” said Turning Point BC member Jack Cauffer (CSOM ‘24), asking freshmen outside MacElroy Commons to play beer pong with him while he debunked climate change. “I am outraged, and you should be too.” 

At press time, Baldwin was spotted reading a book outside of Lower, without a care in the world.