Ben Shapiro Purchases O’Neill And Bapst, Now Owns The Libs

O’NEILL LIBRARY — Conservative author and commentator Ben Shapiro announced last Friday that he has finalized the purchase of both Bapst Library and O’Neill Library, in an effort to “truly own the libs, once and for all.”

Boston College officially verified the acquisition in an email to students and faculty, stating that “Mr. Shapiro has indeed struck a mutually-beneficial deal with Boston College — as such, we will be changing the buildings’ names in the Fall of 2019. O’Neill and Bapst Libraries will become “Shapironeill Library” and “BenDestroyesDumbassFeministIn3Minutes Library, respectively.”

While this is a landmark occasion in Shapiro’s “never-ending quest” to own the libs, he has stated that he has no plans to slow down. “Burns is next on the agenda,” Shapiro said on Friday. “As soon as we lock down a price point, Burns Library is gonna become Sick Burns Library.”

When asked if his newly-hired excavation team had successfully uncovered the Library Of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Shapiro declined to comment.

At press time, Shapiro was heard explaining to a tour group that it is “literally impossible” for a staircase to be worth a million dollars.

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