Sophomore Goes on Retreat for Three Months to Six Years
SUFFOLK COUNTY HOUSE OF CORRECTION — Students on campus this week have not been afraid to show their jealousy after Jay Walker (CSOM ‘24) gained an exciting opportunity. Through the newly created Office of Student Reformation (OSR), Walker got to journey on retreat for three months to six years depending on good behavior.
“The Office of Student Reformation? Is that not just another name for jail?” questioned Rob Berry (CSON ‘22).
Programs through OSR select only the best of the best, making every opportunity incredibly limited. Students must endure the harshest of application processes in order to be considered for the first round of interviews. Many students have reported rigorous fingerprinting procedures and are supposedly required to have a session with a Boston-based criminal defense attorney.
“Those are literally the standard procedures for when someone is arrested,” said Grant Larsonae (LSOE ‘22). “Is Jay going downtown? I heard he did something bad, but I didn’t think it was that bad.”
This new program was a shock to some of Walker’s roommates. Since he left for his so-called retreat, sources that live on their floor have heard murmurs from Walker’s 8-person suite. They claim to have heard some bits of conversation that involved “busting out” as well as Prison Break episodes on repeat. It is truly heartwarming to know that some roommates cannot even stand to see their friend go on retreat without them.
At press time, Walker was seen wearing a pinstriped suit and a fedora running from Fulton Hall holding a canvas bag with a dollar sign on it as dollar bills flew about behind him.