University Announces You Can Bring Two Hand Puppets To Graduation
ALUMNI STADIUM — Facing pressure in the wake of its decision to ban guests from attending Commencement, Boston College announced an amendment to the ceremony guidelines, allowing for students to bring a maximum of two hand puppets with them.
“While we feel deeply for the thousands of families who will not witness their childrens’ college graduations, we hope they will be comforted knowing that their child can have a nice little fabric Mom or Dad with them, or perhaps Eeyore,” said Jack Dunn, University Spokesperson and Star of Spotlight (2015). “Students are also encouraged to take cap-and-gown photos with their puppets of choice, which will be provided by Prestige Photography and can be purchased for as little as $280.00”
While hand puppets will not be required to provide a negative Covid-19 test prior to the ceremony, University Health Services has advised that any puppets crossing state lines to attend the ceremony be checked vigorously for fleas, mites, gnats, moths, grubs, or other hobby-shop pests. Puppets may not represent any material to which the University is morally opposed, which includes Calvin the Clean Energy Cat, Penny the Premarital Coitus Penguin, and Larry the LGBTQ+ Resource Center.
Students whose parents are divorced are still encouraged to bring two puppets, on the grounds that they remain cordial and do not let their puppets engage in any hilarious family disputes, outrageous slapstick violence with oversized blunt objects, or crude puns during the ceremony.
At press time, Boston College Police were attempting to remove Super Grover from the premises, insisting that none of the puppets present were being held against their will except poor David Brooks.