ST. MARY’S HALL — Father Kevin, S.J. and his team of competent, ethical elites have been working on something big. The Jesuits at Boston College, under the direction of the Human Resources Department have unveiled a new set of Jesuit values to replace the tired, old set everyone has... Read more
UGBC Shutdown Ends, Entire Student Body Unaware
Big Issues January 23, 2018
CHESTNUT HILL — After a stand-off of unprecedented length, the Undergraduate Government of Boston College ended a shutdown that lasted just over three days. According to a statement from the council, the shutdown began when members of UGBC were unable to agree whether to fund new door knobs for Carney... Read more
Trustee Indicted For Colluding With Student Concerns
Big Issues December 18, 2017
GASSON HALL — Boston College announced charges against trustee Richard Maloney (MCAS ‘76) on Friday, laying out explicit evidence suggesting that he colluded with student concerns on several instances since his appointment to the Board of Trustees in 2012. Maloney surrendered to BCPD and pled guilty to charges that... Read more
Catholic Church Relieved To Not Be Only Institution With History Of Male Sexual Misconduct
Big IssuesJesuits December 16, 2017
VATICAN CITY — In a surprise press conference last week, Pope Francis weighed in on the growing series of sexual assault and harassment scandals that have been breaking with alarming regularity for the past few months. Speaking from deep within the Apostolic Palace, the Pope commended the brave women... Read more
Sophomore Accidentally Launches Nuclear Strike On Russia With UIS
Big IssuesStudent Life November 10, 2017
NATO HQ, BRUSSELS — Innocently attempting to sign up for next semester’s classes on UIS early Friday morning, sophomore Harry Wood managed to quite literally set the world aflame when he accidentally launched 24 Trident Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles towards targets in Russia from a US Navy Ohio-class submarine stationed... Read more
Personal, National Tragedies Great For Ticket Sales, Reports BC Athletics Marketing Team
Big IssuesSports October 27, 2017
YAWKEY ATHLETIC CENTER — The marketing division of Boston College Athletics released a new report Friday, outlining a recently discovered phenomenon: deeply emotional tragedies can easily be co-opted into fun gameday themes in order to drastically increase ticket sales. This strategy has been proven successful only when used on... Read more
At a university where students are largely silent with their bigoted values, one anonymous student made the bold decision to deface a Black Lives Matter sign Friday, thereby destroying any lingering semblance of racial progress at Boston College. Absolutely inspiring! Even though this vandalism was clearly fueled by a... Read more
CHESTNUT HILL — Boston College’s Board of Trustees made the controversial decision to double down on their investments in fossil fuels during a conference call earlier this week. This announcement has called into question the university’s commitment to environmental sustainability, as well as the dermatologic health of a prominent... Read more
38% of Student Body Shares Same One Black Friend
Big Issues September 14, 2017
CHESTNUT HILL — Thirty-eight percent of current Boston College undergraduates share the same one black friend, according to a recent study by the Department of Sociology. Researchers found that being friends with Marcus Williams (MCAS ‘19) provides over 2,000 students with an excuse to “jokingly” say the n-word and... Read more
Boston College Administrators Apparently Under Impression That Wheelchairs Have Jetpacks
Big Issues April 25, 2017
ACADEMIC QUAD — In an exclusive interview this afternoon about Boston College’s accessibility for people in wheelchairs, a duo of Boston College administrators seemed to not see the problem with the university’s possibly illegal deficit of wheelchair ramps and other typically standardized campus accessibility accommodations. The administrators’ lack of concern... Read more